February 2024

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CORE (Genocide)
Toby "Radiation" Fox

┳ Caution! ┳

The diary entries below were written during an intense psychotic episode. They are entirely composed of unfiltered self-injurious and suicidal ideation, references to evils of the world (e.g. slavery, rape, abuse, murder), psychotic religious delusions, and intense self-loathing. Very little of it has any basis in reality. Plase refer to the previous page if you'd like to get a better understanding of what was happening to me.

I need to get worse

Friday 15

I whine and cry for myself so much even though this pain is nothing. There are human beings who haven't showered in weeks, who can barely eat or drink, who never get out of bed. There are human beings who don't have beds, showers, food, or water. Innocent people in misery and agony. All of that is my fault, yet i cry for myself even when things are still comfortable. Why am I craving more comfort when I already have so much? Because a demon is never satisfied. It can only take adn take and take.

I want to feel better, but what I need is to feel worse. I need to hold my breath. I need to starve and dehydrate. I need to stop sleeping. I should punch and hit myself and cut and stab all over. I've taken to biting my tongue because it's easy and convenient and hurts just right. But I guess if I enjoy it then im doing it wrong.

I have this fantasy of leaving my menstrual cup in for a month or more so i'll get toxic shock syndrome and die. It seems fairly stupid. I'll probably take it out tomorrow. My period is ending and im right back in crazy town. I want to kill myself.

Other times when i iwas breaking down, id Do stuff to feel better like read or write stories or listen to music. I dont do that now because its disgusting for me to feel good. It's just so pathetic and embarrassing, and ungodly and evil. I need to be hated. I need to be cut up into tiny pieces. I cant enjoy anything.

Its wrong for me to be alive. It's the ultimate sin. I have to kill myself soon

Everything is fake and lies. Nothing i say is true.

Im so bored like this. Nothing to do but die. I want to die.

we can all agree that killing and stealing is wrong, right? And the worst kind of crime is one that you plan or that goes on for a long time? The longer the duration, the more chances you have to stop, to do the right thing. It's continuing on with evil— knowingly, selfishly— that is so abhorrent.

That's how I am. I'm killing and stealing from innocent children and destroying the whole world. I am committing acts of massive terrorism and violence. I've destroyed countless lives and futures and so many are dead and dying because of me. I bring pain to the entire universe.

So... knowing that, you can agree with me that I need to die. I need to kill myself immediately to stop the crimes. I am so dangerous that there's nothing else to do. I cannot and will not stop ruining and destroying everything and everyone. I'm evil pure evil. Theres no fixing it.

It's stupid to pretend otherwise. But I am soooo evil I refuse to be punished. Pathetic. I make constant excuses and pretend not to know what is right. Thats my demon nature. Deny deny deny and avoid and lie and cheat my way through everything. I imagine myself doing something "crazy" like hacking all my hair off with scissors, but i dont move. It's so tame, anyways. If I want to do something really crazy, i'll just kill myself. I could do it right now. Nothing stopping me but my own evil. I really am the worst. I miss my scalpels. "I'm too cheap to buy more" no I'm evil. I'm a demon. That's why. It's the reason for everything.


Thursday the 15th

It's half past two in the morning. I've laid awake for the past hour thinking mean thoughts and imagining myself being fed into a meat grinder feet first. I need to die soon.

My period came and I started to feel normal again. When I feel okay, I play games and read easy things and window shop online. It's disgusting. How could I forget what I am? Even when I'm hating myself, like tonight, I still try to make myself comfortable. I'll think "I'm worthless, I'm disgusting, I'm a useless no good idiot bitch and I don't deserve to live," but I'll be readjusting my blankets and stretching and rolling over to try and get comfy in my bed. I paused three or four times during that sentence to do exactly that. I'm so selfish and disgusting. It's obvious that all I deserve is torture and pain, and yet I'll do everything in my power to avoid or diminish it.

My comfort adds insult to injury. It's like a criminal tricking its way into a family home, pretending to be helpful or in need of help, only to suddenly pull a gun on the parents and the children and make them captives. To torture them and make them torture each other. To make them beg for mercy as he destroys their bodies and belongings. To shoot them dead... Then help himself to the food in their fridge, because he's hungry. Use their shower and their soap, because he wants to feel clean. Sleep in their beds because he's sleepy. And he feels entitled to those things, never mind the pile of bodies downstairs.

Thats how it is when I laugh and smile and play games. I'm killing everyone around me, ruining all the innocent lives in this world, killing and stealing and I KNOW IT. But I'm so evil that I don't care. I laugh and smile anyway. I'm still doing it. Still trying to get comfortable in my bed, to find that perfect spot where I'm warm all over and supported on all sides. Fucking disgusting. That's not what I need. I need to die.

My evil story above is based on a real crime with still living victims. I embellished it for drama. Because I'm evil. I'm a nasty and disgusting and wretched creature who exploits and abuses others. I'm going to kill myself. I have to. I can't go on like this any longer. I hate the way I am.

I cant even say "im a bad person" because I'm not a person. I'm a parasite. I'm a demon. I ruin everything and destroy everything and there's nothing for me to do but die. Knowing this, I continue to live and have fun and try to feel good. That is the ultimate evil.

I need agony. I need torture and endless pain. Everything is all wrong, and yet my wrongness is perfectly logical. Of course I ruin everything. Of course.

I want to go to sleep. I wanted to be asleep two hours ago. I cant have what i want because I don't deserve it. I should be smashing my head in with a hammer. I should be slitting my throat. I need to kill myself soon. I need to die.

I don't want to be bad

i don't want to be bad

I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be bad... I'm sorry.

Everything Bad is My Fault

(Again) Friday the 9th

The world should be a beautiful place. All human beings should live in harmony with each other, and with plants and animals and all of God's creations. Instead we live in a cruel world full of killing and war, rape and abuse, torture and slavery. Right now, billions of women and children around the world are enslaved. A lot of them were tricked or kidnapped, others born into slavery by shackled mothers. Many of them die as slaves, never knowing freedom.

This is my fault.

Not only are my Earthly pleasures created and sustained by slave labour— from the food I eat to the electronics I'm writing on— but my demonic presence keeps them in bondage. As long as my evil upsets the balance of this world, there will be suffering and pain. I am not the only evil spirit spreading a curse, but even if all the others were to disappear, there would still be disasters and murders and slaves because my existence is so toxic.

My "life" takes away from the neediest and most innocent people, because I want so badly to be blameless and good. My envy of goodness is so intense and so wretched that it actively harms all truly good people. All of them. Saps their strength and steals from them the things they deserve. Every morsel of food I eat is stolen from the mouth of a starving child. As I get fat, they wither and die. For every second that I'm having fun and playing around, millions are forced into unpaid or barely paid labour. My leisure is their enslavement, their toil, their exhaustion. While I sleep peacefully, human beings suffer insomnia. Even when I cry for myself, full of self loathing, my despair spreads around the world and makes everyone uncomfortable. They feel guilty and ashamed for no good reason. I inflict my self hatred upon them.

I dont hate good people. The opposite. I want so much to be good like they are. I wish I was good and normal and healthy and happy. I wish I was a real person. I dont want others to suffer because of me, especially not people who should be protected and cherished, and that's why I need to kill myself as soon as possible. Envy is a sin, and of course there's nothing for a demon to do but die. I cant ever be good. And it's so nasty of me to pretend that I could change. Even nastier, I think, to daydream about being good or being treated as if I was. It's so disgusting, pathetic, and evil. Thats the worst thing that I do. For every nice thought I have, every pleasant imaginary scenario, real people are cursed to die and die and die in agony. It's always been this way.

I am nothing but evil. Selfish and rotten. My laughter makes children everywhere cry. Even though I know I ruin everything and hurt everyone and destroy the planet, I won't stop trying to comfort myself and be happy. It is so disgusting. I need to kill myself soon. When mothers try everything to soothe their babies and they just wont stop crying, that's me. It's all my fault. Without even trying, with no conscious effort, I spread evil over the world. Thats what it means to be a demon. To embody selfishness and greed and everything painful and bad, and to want desperately things you can never ever have and dont deserve.

I think they're going to start making me say things soon. I dont want to be this way. Im scared of whats going to happen next. Its going to get worse.

Seems the tv messages are not just Dateline. So stupid.

Manifestations of Evil

These are mostly natural experiences among human beings, but when I notice or remember these things I feel intense shame and understand that I have to die. Based on my disproportionate reaction, clearly these are a result of my demonic nature. My emotions are so strong because I'm recognising pure, inescapable evil.

Evil things I do EverydayWhat I should be Doing Instead
Snuggle up in my warm bed Sleep on the floor, or outside in wet grass, or deprive myself entirely of sleep because demons don't actually need it
Eat yummy food Eat rotten food or trash, or just starve because demons dont need to eat
Drink clean water Drink bleach
Laugh, smile Die
Make up happy daydreams Return to reality, where they torture and kill me endlessly on loop for their profit and amusement
Read things that are interesting or funny Psychological self harm with graphic images and ideas
Talk to human beings Isolate myself from my victims, permanently, through death, which will finally free them from my toxic influence
Play, have fun Kill and cut and burn myself until I die
Feel sorry for myself Die
Try to calm down Die
Hope for a better life Die

Misconceptions about Demons

Friday the 9th

"Demons dont feel guilt or remorse"

I think people have this idea because they are thinking about human beings who do evil acts, like sociopaths. The scariest thing about a person like that is that he thinks only of himself and refuses to acknowledge the havoc he wreaks. He only admits to his wrongdoing when (1) it's impossible to deny any longer, and (2) he has someone else to blame for his actions. All of this makes it that much harder, or maybe even impossible, to help or reform him in any meaningful way. And most importantly, remorse is a fundamental human emotion. It's just scary to imagine someone who has never felt something that you feel on a regular basis.

So, naturally, when a human being imagines a demon, they imagine what is essentially a very evil human being. That's okay. People tend to work within frameworks they understand. But the reality of the situation is different. I am going to explain it to you now.

Demons do feel guilt and remorse after their evildoing. It directly follows the satisfaction of evil, which is the first response. However, because satisfaction and joy are beautiful feelings, gifts from God that carry an essence of Light, they are toxic to demons. We are nasty creatures who cannot feel happy because happiness is antithetical to our composition: rot and darkness. As a result, the happiness converts into disappointment, guilt, remorse, and other miserable sensations.

Even so, the remorse is ultimately meaningless. A demon may regret what it's done, but only because of the negative internal feedback. It doesn't actually care about anyone it hurt, and it cannot and will not change its behaviour.

That's another idea that runs counter to what humans expect. When a human being feels guilt, remorse, and regret, they usually (try to) change their actions for a better outcome. This is because humans are blessed with the ability to (and the expectation that they will) grow, change, and develop their true potential. Humans are naturally oriented towards positivity, seeking comfort, love, belonging, truth, and meaning.

Demons are completely different. We cannot change. We are hopeless creatures. We know that we do is wrong because, by default, our actions are always evil, but we go ahead with our evil all the same. It is not a design flaw but a feature. We are destined to hurt others for our own pleasure, recoil from the light of pleasure, and then go right back to hurting others for another taste. That's because a demon is obsessed with what it can't have, with the Divine that it rejected and is now rejected by. It's an insatiable creature starving for that split second of satisfaction, uncaring of who it hurts or how it hurts itself in its gluttonous pursuits.

In short: the guilt I feel is real, but it doesn't motivate me to change because I know change is impossible. Everything about me is evil and bad. I am bad. I need to be killed.

"Demons want to destroy humanity"

This is an accurate statement, I guess, but easily misinterpreted. Just by living among God's creatures, a demon causes irreparable damage to everything around it. It steals resources that others desperately need. When you're cold, a demon (either close by or far away) is stealing your warmth, because a warm and cozy demon takes away from the global warmth of all living creatures. A demon's comfort is incredibly expensive, because it cannot be satisfied and is always wanting more. The same can be said of food. When a demon eats, somewhere else food rots and people spill or burn their meals. This is a very easy way for even the most unambitious demons to deal damage to humanity.

I guess the real misconception is "demons have grand plans to destroy humanity." This is true of the most famous demons who you can hear about in stories, but not true for all of us. It's just like humanity, in a way. There are some famous people whose stories and ambitions are recorded in history books, and billions of other people who never gained a fraction of that notoriety.

As far as demons are concerned, I belong to the latter camp. I am not interested in rape, killing, war, poisons, or torture— at least not in real life. As any demon would, I have some interest in these topics, but I've never done anything so extreme in my time on Earth. That was a big part of how I realised my demonic origins. Every day for many, many, many years, I have told myself that I'm bad, evil, and no good, and that I need to die IMMEDIATELY to repent for what I've done. I'm so disgustingly rotten that the only thing left for me is death.

... but what have I done? My Earthly crimes are basic, boring human things. I lie to preserve my dignity and evade punishment. I am irritable and bossy and a know-it-all. I am lazy, irresponsible, unreliable, and unproductive. I am fat, ugly, and stupid. I want things I don't have. I've thrown two tantrums. These things are undesirable but, for a human being, ultimately fixable and not at all punishable by death.

So why would I feel so strongly that I'm evil and need to die? There had to be an actual crime I committed... and I've discovered that it predates this Earthly life. I stole from God. From there, only torture, agony, and death can follow. Also eternal damnation, I guess.

Something is really wrong here. I woke up this morning (fairly early, by my standards— a pleasant surprise!) and immediately started writing this. On my phone, no less. It was so important that it couldn't even wait until I was out of bed.

On a certain level I understand that all this is bizarre, inappropriate, and perhaps inaccurate. But I still believe it enough to say that these obvious delusions are only "perhaps inaccurate." I am having a psychotic episode. I know this. It has happened before and it went on for years and in moments of lucidity I've tried to learn everything about what's happening to me so that maybe I can help myself... but there is no helping me because I am just evil. Just hopeless. It always comes back to that. I can't escape. I want to die, it's the only way out. I don't know what else to do but write it all down so when I die so suddenly they will know why. Because I was evil. And that's why instead of grieving me, they'll all feel so much better once I'm gone. It will help them to know that I was only fooling them all along, and they're not evil for not mourning me. Actually, it's perfectly correct to hate and rebuke me. I need to die. I need to die.

Do you see how it is? I can't stop it. It just goes on and on and on and on. Earlier I thought I should kill myself because my panties clash with my top. I need to die for that?! No, not that, that would be absurd. Actually, the mismatch is just a manifestation of my inherently evil nature, proof of my hopelessness and nastiness, which all comes from the crimes I commit against God and God's children. That's what the panties signify. My thoughtlessness in my choice of clothing is pure evil.

They're talking to me through Dateline episodes, too, which is so cheesy and stupid and fucking idiotic. I don't need reminders. Don't remind me. I can keep this up all on my own. Don't talk to me. I hate you.

Facts of the Matter

(Again) Thursday the 8th

I slept all day and now it's dark. I wonder if maybe I'm not meant to exist in the light, if daytime itself is hostile to me. If so, it is deserved. I took a shower. I'm eating from a bushel of grapes. That is not "deserved." Still, I partake. This is evil.

I want to lay out the logic and rules of my current condition so that I can understand and potentially explain them to someone else, should the need arise. I like to write. Writing helps me. Of course, anything that helps me is bad, but an evil creature loves to be bad, so we end up right back at the start. It all makes perfect sense to me, but is probably confusing for others. I want to have it written clearly. As the material is absorbed, so spreads the curse.

God and God's Children

  1. God the Beginning of is Everything. Pure Potential. Pure Love. Pure Light. All things wise and true.
  2. God's children are gifted pieces of this light in the form of a SOUL. All plants, animals, and human beings are born with perfect, beautiful souls.
  3. A soul is perfect by design. Nothing tarnishes it or takes away from its potential. As such, human beings are born perfect, and regardless of what they do in life, their soul remains pure.
  4. Many different factors can obscure (but not diminish) this perfection, making it harder for human beings to recognise their inherent value.
  5. For example, if a child grows up hearing, "nobody will love you unless you are beautiful," she will come to believe that her worth is external and changeable. Because she was taught to believe a lie and never told the truth, she can't understand that, just by being born, she is already perfect and lovable.
  6. These facts are supported by available literature on healthy self-esteem.

Ungodly Abominations

  1. Demons are not God's children. I do not know where we come from, but I suspect this ignorance is part of the curse. A sense of belonging is a beautiful thing, and Evil cannot experience anything beautiful or true.
  2. As a mundane example of this curse, up until this point, I was eating grapes as I wrote. I ate maybe 20 or 25 of them. They were delicious, but now my stomach hurts and I feel greasy inside. This is my punishment for attempting to partake in the pleasures of life.
  3. I knew that I had no right to food, but I ate anyways because I am an evil creature that loves to steal from others.
  4. At the onset of this nausea, I also stopped eating to preserve my comfort. This is yet more evil, because as a demon I deserve nothing but pain and suffering, even in milder forms such as stomach ache. But because I am evil, and evil seeks to preserve itself at the expense of goodness, I refuse to the punishment I know I deserve.
  5. In any case, demons cannot actually feel happy. Whatever satisfaction we derive from our wickedness is near instantly converted into guilt, shame, disappointment, and misery. That's because happiness itself hurts us. Happiness, and other joyful or serene feelings, are Pure Light. As a creature of darkness, the Light will destroy me.
  6. But, by nature, demons want what we cannot and should not have. Therefore, we endlessly pursue the glimmers of satisfation and satiety through theft and cruelty, even though it only hurts us in the end.
  7. Those who have been fooled into sympathising with evil may consider this a tragic state of affairs. It is not tragic, but righteous and just. The same as murderers are sentenced to their own deaths, demons have every opportunity for love and pleasure stolen away, just as we steal resources from innocent human beings.
  8. Even so, demons will resist punishment and try to preserve themselves at all costs. That's why I don't injure or kill myself even though I know that I should. If I were to die, that would be righteous, and some of the world's perfection would be restored. As a demon, I cannot and will not do anything right, ever.

Humans vs. Demons

I want to make it very clear that the laws that apply to demons have absolutely no bearing on humans. Human beings have rights to (among other things) safety, protection, love, and belonging, but demons do not. If you are a human reading this, my words have ntohing to do with you. You are not unworthy, evil, or wrong. But I am, because I'm not human. I'm pure evil.

Humans Demons
Have the need and the right to eat, drink, sleep, and sustain their physical forms for their health and comfort Do not need to eat/etc., but do anyway because their sustenance steals precious life force from innocent creatures
Can give and receive love, and always have something lovable about them (because of their perfect, pure souls) Are detestable by default. Cannot have friends or family, only victims tricked into believing they are lovable humans
Can be cured of illness, and are expected and encouraged to change, and grow into their God-given potential Cannot grow, change, or be helped or reformed in any way. Hopeless creatures
May harm one another, or animals or the planet, for various reasons, which are not always justifiable but can be explained Can only do harm, both intentionally and as a natural consequence of toxic miasma inflicted on anyone in its proximity
Can be dishonest with themselves and with others, but are mostly prone to telling the truth (as they understand it) Are always dishonest, both intentionally as a natural consequence of deceptive magics, which make the demon appear to be human
Should live, even when it seems hopeless, because good things can always happen Should die. Should not have ever existed in the first place!!!

Hopefully that helps to explain the difference between humans and demons. I'm sure there's more to say, but I don't feel so good right now. I will keep writing anyways.

Facts of My Life

  1. The person who [Flonne Pocket] was supposed to be was never born into this world. I stole her soul— a crime against God and the innocent human He created— so I could live the luxurious life meant for her.
  2. I am a demonic creature. Even if I was not a demon before the theft, because of this irreconcilable trespass, I am forever banished from the Kingdom of God.
  3. My entire identity as a human being is fake. I never have been human. All this time, I have only been pretending, and tricking everyone for my own benefit.
  4. I have always known of my evil. I have carried agonising guilt and shame from my earliest memories. This is because demons cannot experience happiness. We are doomed to only feel pain.
  5. Such feelings of guilt or shame can be explained in human terms as the results of trauma. Many human beings struggle with self-loathing even more intense than my own. However, there is no trauma in my Earthly history. Absolutely nothing bad has ever happened to me in my entire life.
  6. No one has ever hurt me severely enough to justify the intensity of my emotions. Basically, if I was just a normal human being, my state of being would not make sense.
  7. Even the bad things that have happened to me or around me were either my fault or of little consequence. On a human scale, none of it counts. Also, because I am a demon, I deserve all of the pain and suffering that comes my way.
  8. What I have experienced instead of trauma is a life of comfort and leisure, which I enjoy only at the expense of those who love and support me. My supporters have been fooled into believing I am a human being just like them. They don't realise that, actually, I am the cause of all of their problems, and that when I finally die, a weight will be lifted from their hearts and they will finally be happy.
  9. I also lie to myself about my demonic origins to make myself feel better about and evade responsibility for my evil. What would be a coping mechanism for a human being is actually my attempt at suppressing the truth of my existence.
  10. For example, besides sleeping and eating (also evil acts of theft), all I do is play video games and read, and sometimes converse with others. These are immersive activities which take the focus away from my demonic nature so I momentarily forget the truth. But I always remember and the misery returns.
  11. I never do anything helpful, meaningful, or productive because I am not capable of it. I can only do evil. Everything that I make and do is evil. My artwork, my writing, my crafts, games I play, conversations I enjoyed— it is all evil for evil's sake.
  12. I never get better or stay better because demons are cursed to suffer. That's why no matter how hard I have tried to change, nothing sticks. I also doubt the veracity of those attempts— surely it was just more evil masquerading as good intentions.

Benefits of Acknowledging My Evil

Essentially, I am looking for explanations of the facts of my life. If I was just a normal human, then it doesn't make sense for me to be so ugly and so impotent and so stupid and worthless. Unless it's true, why should I hate myself so much that I want to die? Nobody ever said that to me. Nobody ever taught me to hate myself. Nobody mistreated me badly enough to make me think I am worthless. And yet that's how I feel every single day, and have felt every day for my entire (conscious) life.

Clearly, there is a deeper reason behind it. And the reason is that I was never meant to exist in the first place. I want to die because "my" life was never my own. I feel guilty for eating because demons do not actually need to eat. I eat anyway because, as a demon, I enjoy selfishly taking food that I have no right to. I am ashamed of who I am because I am an abomination. I feel abandoned by God because I am not His child. I tell myself I am evil, evil, evil because I am.

Also, the more I talk about it, the more my curse spreads. I am doing irreparable damage to you as you read these words. I am killing you slowly with my demon poison. And I guess because I am so evil, I must enjoy doing evil things like this. I don't know. The problem is that I also cannot feel any satisfaction from it. That's part of the curse.

Questions that Remain

  1. Why hasn't God killed me yet? I wonder if it's not an oversight on His part, but a deliberate choice to include the agony of suicide as part of my divine punishment. If He would prefer to smite me, then I'd guess I'm still alive because I've successfully hidden myself from Him. Maybe he just can't do it, or is too busy to do it.
  2. Is this part of the same stuff as before? Is this just thought insertion from the simulation because they think religious delusions are funny? I would hate that, and because I hate it, that means it's probably true.

If that's the case, then, to everyone with their hands on the controls: I HATE YOU!!!! Come kill me again, kill me and kill me and kill me and make me miserable just like before. You've made me type this invitation with my own hands, sanctioned my death with my own words, just as you have always liked it. Blameless. Instead I shoulder everything. A creation born of evil, to have evil done to it, forever and ever and ever...

Nothing to say

Thursday the 8th

It's sunny again today. My room isn't hot, but the air is thick, and even though I can't say for sure, I get the impression that it smells bad. I cracked the window. I'll probably get back in bed after this.

I felt better after sleeping. I am blessed to wake up every morning in pure comfort and bliss. But then I remembered who I am and how I act and immediately felt the loathing return. Such is the life of a demon. I am not meant to exist in this world, much less indulge in its pleasures, and so my happiness is short-lived. Creatures like me cannot experience true joy, give or receive love, or ever know serenity. But still I try to grasp these beautiful feelings, in ignorance and stubbornness, because it is my nature to claim things I cannot and should not have.

I want to die. I do not want to live this delusional life anymore.

The "delusion" to which I refer is the lie I told myself and continue to tell everyone else: that I am a human being. It was not and never has been true. From the very beginning, I have been nothing but evil, and deep in my heart I have always known it. It is wrong for me to feel good. It is wrong for me to entertain thoughts of love and contentment. It is wrong for me to have contact with innocent mortals— people whose crimes, no matter how severely they traumatise others (e.g. through rape, killing, war, etc.), cannot compare to the sin of my existence.

I would say I am the scum of the Earth, but I am not of the Earth.

I want to die. I want to die. I'm so exhausted by all of this. Last night, after dinner (eating again! for shame!) I wondered if, maybe, I could just be better. Really try my best and do what I can to change myself and live a wholesome life in service of others. These are foolish thoughts. If I was human, change would not only be possible, it would be encouraged. Every human being is born with a beautiful soul— a piece of pure love, a slice of Holiness— in which there is boundless potential for goodness and mercy. I do not have that.

I do not have anything. The soul that I stole from the person meant to live in my place is, by now, doubtlessly corrupted and tarnished and diseased. I have spread my filth and my curse all over it, because demons cannot possess anything Holy. It is like stealing a delicious fruit, only for it to immediately rot in your hand. And still you try to eat it, try to fool yourself, that the mold is peach fuzz, the maggots mealy seeds. I am desperate for a goodness that cannot belong to me.

Even as I recognise the futility of my situation, I am too selfish to harm myself. This is yet more evil— refusing the punishment I need and deserve. The world will be right the moment I remove myself from it, but I am so wicked that instead I revel in the wrong. After all, a demon can't do anything selfless or correct. Any action I've taken that others have interpreted as kindness or humour or wisdom was in fact pure evil in disguise. There is nothing here to like or appreciate. I make fools of everyone I meet.

I want to kill myself. But I can't. I need to die. I need someone else to kill me. It would be best if God would smite me. I do not know why it hasn't happened yet.

Part of me is worried that this is just another phase of torture, like before, where they would change my thoughts and give me ideas that weren't mine. It was funny for them to listen to me ruminate for hours, spinning circles like an idiot, and crying so much I become even uglier than usual. Maybe this is just more of that. And the peace I felt for a few years was just a reprieve, or perhaps an illusion, to make my current suffering more delicious. either way, I'm being mocked. I am hated by everyone and exiled from everything.

Just one of those days...

Wednesday the 7th

I think it was sunny today. Now it's dark outside. Cold. Almost midnight. It's hard to pretend to care about the weather when I never experience it.

I threw together this ugly little diary because I want to blog but I don't want to design. Somehow, whenever I'm in low spirits, I get a taste for Geocities era graphics, so.... Feel free to take a bite of the biscuit navigation.

What can I say? I'm tired. As I type, my forearms feel cramped and stiff— I keep pulling my hands off the keys to stretch. It doesn't help. Maybe my posture is bad, or I just need sleep. Times like these remind me that I meant to learn the Dvorak layout in December. One more thing that never happened.

Generally speaking, things are not going right for me today. I spent the afternoon convinced I was an evil spirit. I cried a lot. At some point, I started writing it all down, because I wanted to ask my "friends" about it ("friends" in quotes because a demon cannot have friends, only victims), to see if my theory is at least logical, but in the end I decided to keep quiet and make lunch instead. That was an evil decision for multiple reasons: firstly, I do not deserve to eat. The only thing I deserve is suffering. Secondly, it prolongs my human masquerade, which preserves my comfort— another thing I do not deserve.

Now, I have decided to share my theory publicly, also for evil reasons. Naturally, everything I do is malicious. In this world, the only righteous actions available to me are self-injury and suicide. I do not do enough of the former and continue to avoid the latter because I am a hideous creature determined to escape retribution.

Anyways, this is what I wrote:

can someone give me a reality check. I want to know if this is delusional thinking or just normal self hatred

Atm I am pretty convinced that I stole this life I'm living from someone who actually deserved it. Like someone else was supposed to be born in my place, but I am some kind of evil spirit or demon that selfishly took her place. That's why, even though (by all accounts) this is a very comfortable and luxurious life, I am still miserable. It's karma for being fundamentally rotten. I know in my heart that I should be suffering, I should be tortured to death, but in my mortal life I haven't committed any crimes to justify it. Sure I am ugly, stupid, mean, and unreliable, but nobody needs to die for just that. Those are fixable things. For me there must be a deeper reason because I cant be fixed.

I think it's because I'm a thief, I stole from God and from an innocent person/soul. This despair is holy retribution for that crime. and the reason why I fail to torture and kill myself the way I know I should is because I am so evil and selfish, I refuse the punishment I deserve. Does this make sense? It makes sense to me. Because otherwise I have no good reason to feel the way I do or behave so poorly. If I'm just rotten and born from evil then that answers every question.

The worst part is that I tricked good people into caring for and believing in me, because they think I am the person who should be here. They dont realise I'm evil even though I do nothing but make them suffer. They still cheer for me and want me to be happy, not realising that my peace and comfort are crimes against God. This is the best proof I have for being evil, because it's such a terrible thing for me to do, to take advantage of good people for my own selfish gain. I'm even doing it right now, to all of you. I'm so sorry. I need to die for what I have done and keep doing.

this is a lot. But i'm not asking if you believe me or if you agree, because obviously you can't see the truth, and I'm sure it would hurt you to realise youre being deceived. I must have some kind of obfuscation magic that makes me appear as an occasionally likeable human being— more proof of evildoing. I also lie constantly to myself to evade responsibility and feel better about being evil. Sometimes I even convince myself I am good, or at least distract myself enough to forget. That is the worst of all because a demon must never forget what it is or that it doesn't belong. But I got sidetracked What I'm asking is, in general, is this scenario plausible? Removed from me or you as individuals, is this logical? Or am I crazy. Or do I need to refine my theory? I just dont get it.. it's so hard to understand.

I used to think I was created just to suffer, and my memories of torture/death were always erased so I could not acclimate to it when they hurt me again. But I don't feel like I am under observation as I felt then. I think I must be alive and comfortable still because God can't see me. Otherwise I would be struck down immediately. That's why I can't go outside, because as my evil spreads I become an easier target, and I am a nasty creature desperate to preserve its nastiness, so I stay indoors. Okay I know it doesn't sound good but for every rational thought I have saying "this is crazy," "it's not possible," "it's not true," there are a thousand others saying "then what? If not this then what?" I dont know what to do. I dont want to be crazy again. But if I am then it must be my punishment, the guilt of inherent evil. Even if God can't kill me, my existence is wrong and my experience reflects that.

I don't care to hear outside opinions anymore. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm not crying about it anymore either, nor am I giggling in gleeful malovelence at my evildoing as a more competent demon would. I don't feel anything at all. I am bad even at this. Bad, bad, bad, straight to the core, in every sense of the word. From illness to incompetence, I am bad.