┳ Warning! ┳ This entry contains discussion of suicide, self-harm, abuse, medical trauma, and male violence. I am blunt and I say curse words. Prepare yourself.
Friendly Reminder That I'm A Feminist "Killjoy"
(It's a joke. I actually want more joy for women everywhere. And if that means we start from grief, awe, outrage... then so be it.)
In 2021, I started writing an essay about my experience in the transgender community. I wanted to explore my attachment to the "nonbinary" label in a way that would resonate with people who went through similar things. I also intended to talk about why I dropped that label and embraced my femaleness... but I never finished the essay. Life got in the way, I guess. Still, I decided to publish it as-is, along with several other unfinished pages, when I left my old website behind.
For context, my old website was a love diary dedicated to my then-girlfriend, who in actuality was emotionally abusing me from the moment we met. At first, I received an outpouring of support from people who sympathised with my situation. Then, months later, someone read my essay and wrote this in my guestbook:
In her own words, here's what makes me "just an awful person":
The bar seems rather low... Anyways, here's more and more people piling on:
"I'm so upset I ever felt sorry" meaning she regrets sympathising with me as a victim of abuse.
This person "cleverly" circumvented my Bad Words Filter, which I only put in place because my ex used to spam gore and death threats on my website... (while we were still dating......... I know). "Transphones" (sic) seems to be a genuine typo, though. The jokes write themselves.
Besides all this shit in my guestbook, I've heard there were public posts made by some people on this side of the small web wishing for my ostracism and/or suicide. Thankfully, I never saw any of them, and I doubt any exist anymore. Funny how people won't stand by the evil things they say, huh? It's almost like they know they're doing wrong!
I'm opening with the story of my past harassment because... guess what? It hasn't stopped. It's been two and a half years, and random people still pop into my guestbook to tell me to kill myself. Here, a sample of these delightful comments:
(Some screenshots are unstyled because sensible people flagged the comments and got them deleted. I had to look them up in my e-mail instead.)
"You should do it" meaning "you should kill yourself." Let it be known I was actively suicidal at the time many of these messages were written.
This person scrolled back several pages of my guestbook just to call me a homophobic slur on a months old exchange. Bizarre. I let her have the last word.
The fact that this "anon" spent Juneteeth harassing a Black lesbian will never not be funny to me. I have confirmed this was written by the celebrated human right's activist S*apfriendo, whose greatest acts of philantrophy are calling me "cunt" and "bitch."
I may be personally disaffected by online namecalling... but that's not an excuse to call someone slurs. Your internalised misogyny is showing.
I did not include tamer messages where people simply called me "cringe" or a "loser," or encouraged me to "touch grass," because that's so childish that, even with harmful intent, I can hardly consider it harassment. Rest assured there have been a lot of those, too. I understand that the majority of my ""haters"" are literal children. I don't begrudge them for being immature, impulsive, and unempathetic. Once upon a time, I was just like them: I led witch hunts. I ostracised my peers. That's just trans culture, honestly. It's embarrassing to admit it, but I know that if I changed for the better, then so can everybody else.
As you read the rest of this essay, I encourage you to think beyond, "this woman is evil. How can I punish her?" Firstly because you cannot punish me (to me, you are text on a screen) and secondly because you will benefit so much more from engaging with my words as they're actually written. Yes, they are antithetical to the transgender worldview. But aren't they true? Really weigh the merit of my argument and decide for yourself. That's vivarism, after all— daughter of vivacity and volition. You, reader, have the right to choose, just as we all do.
I have chosen truth.
Filling, Full, Lively, Lovely Lives for All
Recently I received an e-mail from Anonymous (A for short), a young adult with a "nonbinary" label, who posed this question:
How do you synthesize your belief in living full, happy lives according to each person's definition of such with your obvious disapproval for transgender people?
I understand the confusion. I acknowledge everybody's free will, then condemn some people exercising that will in ways I don't like. For me, it's easy enough to explain:
Gender dysphoria is a mental illness. Not gender nonconformity, not presenting as masculine or androgynous, not eschewing or disdaining femininity. All those things fall under freedom of self expression. If women (like me) are happier when they're unshaven, bare faced, and in "boy" clothes, then I want them to be happy! Such behaviours are not necessarily related to gender dysphoria. You don't have to hate your body, your personality, or your life to practice gender nonconformity. "Wear clothes I personally like" and "surgically remove healthy breasts" are two completely different approaches to female masculinity.
So when I see women and girls (in your world, DFABs) who call themselves trans or nonbinary, I look at them with pity. I see their self hatred, their confusion, their desperation for happiness, acceptance, safety, and love... and I see them choosing a self destructive "solution."
It's like anorexia. How can I, in good conscience, agree with my friend that yeah, she IS fat and she DOES need to starve herself to be loved? That would not only be untrue, it'd be unethical. It'd be actively harmful. Carelessly, maliciously, I'm encouraging her mental illness and driving her deeper into delusion.
I don't have data to compare mortality rates between eating disorders and transgender identities... but I'm sure we're all aware of the high suicide statistics and general life dissatisfaction associated with both conditions. So my disapproval for gender ideology correlates directly to my value of vivarism. How can I possibly believe in, ratify, or uphold a belief system that tells my sisters, "your body is wrong," "being female is dirty and shameful," or "you are disqualified from womanhood?" Even turning a blind eye would give this culture too much leeway. I have to speak up about it.
It's expected that women and girls will suffer under the patriarchy. We feel self conscious about our bodies because we hate being sexualised without our consent. We hate being vulnerable to mockery and violence, so we search for some way to protect ourselves from or become invisible to men. We hate the lack of opportunities available to us, so we rebel against the system and say, "I won't be like the others. I'm different."
My point is... your dissatisfaction with woman/girlhood is not unique. Your mother and her mother and her mother before her have all struggled with their station in society. If you don't believe that, I don't blame you. I used to think I was sooooo different... That's why I wanted to "be nonbinary," too. I couldn't relate to the (gender conforming) women around me. I didn't like the prospects available to women (wife to abusive man, mother to ungrateful children). And because I was a literal child with limited theory of mind, I just assumed that the gender conforming, perpetually victimised women around me preferred to live that way.
But it's not true. Nobody likes to be oppressed. It's normal to want more from your life than what girls are typically offered. You're expected to try to relieve the pressure of systemic oppression however you can. For generations, women have found various ways to cope with this stress. Our generation's method is "being trans." But while we may enjoy gender nonconformity, nothing about the self-hatred, self-mutilation, and self-rejection at the core of transgenderism creates lasting happiness.
Denying your womanhood is not just bad for you, it's bad for all women and girls. It reinforces the same gender roles you're rebelling against. You put "man" and "woman" in narrow boxes, and because you don't fit with "woman," you say "oh, I must be something else!" But the reality is that you will always be a woman no matter what you say, and (in almost every case) everyone can tell, no matter how well they play along. True nonconformity, true rebellion, true REVOLUTION is to say:
Yes, I am a woman.
All of us are women.
To be a woman is good, healthy, clean, beautiful, natural, and whole.
I'm perfect exactly as I am: doing the things I want to do, wearing what I want to wear, and having sex with other women if both of us are so inclined.
I am true to myself in a world that lies to me and about me.
I love myself in a world that hates me.
I think and act freely in a world that tries to shackle me.
The keyword here is "try."
I cannot be contained in any box.
I refuse to be labelled.
If it's hard to be honest and true, then I welcome the difficulty.
I'll die trying and I'll die in truth.
I'll die a woman.
You can take my life, but there's nothing, n o t h i n g, that anyone, male or female or ""something else,"" can do to take my womanhood away from me.
A's e-mail to me included a couple more questions...
Being a lesbian, do you see yourself as gender non-conforming?
Yes, I definitely consider myself GNC. I like to wear cute, feminine clothes, and my interests and aesthetics are typically "girly;" but I don't wear makeup, I don't shave, I don't wear bras, and I most definitely do not center my life around men, male attention, or masculine ideals. As you pointed out, I'm a lesbian! I have no use for men. I only care about women, which is why I get so riled up about feminism and want to help my sisters whenever I can.
Do you see gender as a social construct, or consider it influenced by the society one grows up in?
Yes, I do assert that gender is a social construct. Gender roles are made up by men and their supporters to belittle, constrain, and control women. Like, what the fuck is up with high heels? Why is it considered attractive for a woman (or even a young girl) to wear shoes that destroy her feet and limit her range of movement? I don't want to go off on a tangent about the sadism at the core of the patriarchy, but... once you see it, you'll see it everywhere. And it's my God given right to opt the hell out!
In contrast, sex is real. Your body is real. Your personality is real. Your basic human needs for love, freedom, community, and self determination are real. An analogy I've always liked is hair versus hairstyle. Your hair is real. You can touch it, feel it, observe it, measure it, describe it, and generally speaking people can agree on its basic properties: colour, texture, length, etc.. But your hairstyle— whether it's considered attractive, acceptable, professional, conventional— those are social constructs. They're subjective assessments influenced by the culture you're currently in.
My afro, for example. In some American schools, kids get thrown out of class for "violating the dress code" with their natural hair. The hair really is kinky, coily, and growing towards the sky. It's tangible (but please don't touch it lol). The rules that say "only straight hair is acceptable" are intangible. Somebody made up those rules for a social benefit. (I'll give you a hint: it's racism. Knowledge is power and ignorance is oppression, so they gotta keep us negros out of school.)
So, in context, sex is real. I have a female body and there are a thousand ways to prove it. Not that you'd need to— it's obvious. But gender roles, "gender identity," all that shit is made up in your mind. There is no such thing as "brain sex" or "gendered souls" or anything like that. There is no right or wrong way to be a woman. The only thing you need is a female body. The rest is just set dressing.
Why Nobody Wants to Be a Woman
If women don't identify with womanhood, look at how "woman" is defined by their culture. In mine, "woman" means stupid, bitchy, vapid, empty, worthless, manipulative, boring, annoying, overbearing, inferior, and weak. Who in their right mind would want to identify with that? On top of that, the rituals of femininity— applying makeup every day, removing all of my body hair, obsessively following fashion trends, wearing impractical and/or painful clothing, starving myself to stay a certain weight, having heterosexual intercourse, submitting to men not just sexually but socially, accepting domestic abuse from people who are supposed to love me, sublimating myself to everyone I meet, creating children because I have no value beyond my womb, shutting the fuck up and having no thoughts, wants, needs, or opinions of my own—
These rituals range from mildly uncomfortable to downright deathly. Again I ask, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO AGREE TO THAT?
I'm yelling because I'm angry about it. I'm absolutely fucking pissed that this is the general consensus on women in society. This is what's expected of us, this is what male and female people think when they see a woman. And I'm also pissed— though less passionately so— that some of us see all this misogyny and decide, "well, if being a woman is pure misery, then I simply won't be one anymore." I'm less pissed because this is a "solution" that women have turned to for generations. What do you think that whole #GirlBoss power suit "become the man you want to marry" shit is about? It's just that our generation has been so poisoned by queer theory that we decided we're LITERALLY not women at all!
And, to be frank, it's a childish decision. It's overly simplistic and idealistic. It's no wonder why women tend to get started with their trans identity while they're still girls. Children are innocent, ignorant, and will grab onto the first thread of hope they find. That's why, as early as 10, I'd started saying I wasn't a boy or a girl. I wanted to be an alien, a giraffe, a cartoon character— anything but female. And now, with a more mature mind, I can see that I liked to objectify and dehumanise myself (I was an it/he/they, lol) because I did not believe in my own humanity. Even after desisting, I've spent years learning to accept that I'm a real person. I really am valuable. My life, my opinions, and my needs really do matter.
You matter, too. Our femaleness does not devalue us, nor are our female bodies open for exploitation and abuse. If you associate "being a girl" with danger, fear, pain, sadness, restriction, and unfulfillment... That's by design. It's not your fault. And I consider it the responsibility of women like me— feminists, basically— to speak honestly about what it really means to be female. That means acknowledging the oppression we face while also advocating for happiness, health, and freedom for everyone. Vivarism, if you will.
Do you still view transgenderism as purely online, social, or a contagion?
Sadly, "being trans" is no longer as niche as it was when I was a kid. It's in the news, it's in our schools, it's on mass produced merchandise— it's not purely online anymore. But whether we see it online or IRL, is it a social contagion? Absolutely yes!
Over the years my conviction has only grown stronger. Gender dysphoria is a mental illness and the spread of transgenderism indicates societal illness. Women and girls— especially girls as young as I was when I decided to call myself nonbinary— are in turmoil. We all need relief. But disavowing woman or girlhood is hardly a solution. The relief it provides is temporary and comes at high costs, not just personally but for everyone who witnesses it. I need to set a better example for girls like me. I need to write long, impassioned essays about gender.
In summary:
I want every woman and girl (DFAB), regardless of how she expresses or labels her gender, to live a filling, full, lively, lovely life. That is my sincerest wish for you, me, and everyone in the world.
Based on everything I've witnessed, learned, and experienced firsthand in my ~5 years as a "nonbinary person," transgenderism is not healthy. It limits a person's happiness, reduces their quality of life, and literally, statistically shortens their lifespan. Transgender people are overwhelmingly suicidal and this has as much to do with societal disapproval (i.e. "transphobia") as with inner disapproval. Gender identity does not protect us from self-hatred— it escalates it.
It's normal to look at the ~feminine ideal~ and say, "I don't want that. That's not me. I want to, need to, have to be, WILL be different!" But when we conclude that we're FTM or nonbinary, we reinforce gender roles, we contribute to misogyny, and we hurt ourselves more than we help. The truth is that women are not the feminine ideal. We are whoever we are... in conjunction with being female. Simple as that.
As long as people practice gender ideology, the sickness will spread to other girls, perpetuating a cycle of suffering that I seek to end. I escaped. Others have escaped. Many more can desist, detransition, and even refuse to participate from the start.
Instead of adopting a label that denies reality, I live in the truth that you, me, all of us are women, and to be a woman is righteous and good. That includes gender nonconforming women who wear men's clothes, use male nicknames, and take interest in "masculine" subjects, AKA pursuits that were/are denied to women by the patriarchy.
In summary of my summary:
Fuck gender roles. Just be you!
Lastly, I want to make it clear that I don't blame anyone for falling for the succor of a trans identity. It happened to me. It's happening to millions more girls around the world. The common misconception is that "TERFs" hate people like A, but by and large we don't. We pity you. We want to help and protect you. We want you to feel comfortable with your body, your life, your existence as a female person. We want to give you better tools to cope with and ultimately overcome systemic misogyny.
I don't hate you, A. I don't hate any female person. We may be strangers but I see all of you as my sisters and I love you. I want the best for everyone. I've been where you've been and I know it can be so, so, so much better.
My Transgender Backstory...
When I called myself nonbinary, I had a very tame experience. No attempts to "pass," not much gender dysphoria, just vibing and enjoying my labels. I'd been sexually harassed when my breasts first grew (before anyone else's, too, I was 'precocious'), so I liked to bind them. The aesthetic of a flat chest made me feel youthful and pure. I loved that I could ask people to call me by a different name or pronouns and they would actually do it. Everyone has fundamental needs for consideration and respect, and I found those needs were more readily met when I attached my wishes to a so-called human right's movement like transgenderism.
Weaponising my identity gave me a sense of power and control. People HAD TO see me the way I wanted to be seen. If they didn't, they were evil and bigoted, violating my rights and damaging my mental health. I could enjoy self-victimisation (I'm fragile, rare, and misunderstood, I need to be protected and loved) as well as self-righteousness (I am on the "right side of history," I'm progressive, I'm evolved, I'm virtuous and valid).
And truly, I did need protection and love— very badly. I find that most trans identified people's childhoods are subpar, if not genuinely traumatic, and that many of us adopted a trans identity during stressful times. I did need to have conviction in myself, my identity, and my beliefs. All of us do because these are all fundamental human needs. And every female person (DFAB, gender identity notwithstanding) has the right to move through this world peacefully and autonomously, safe from harassment, free to determine her own values, and with a measure of control over how others relate to her. Of course, we can't force people to think, act, or believe anything. It's not just impossible, such attempts violate their free will. So when I say we should have control over how others relate to us, I'm talking about healthy boundaries and reasonable requests.
I believe "please call me [new name], not [birth name]" is a completely reasonable request. Anyone who values your self-expression can agree to that. They might be confused, and they may be resistant— especially if the new name is grouped with acts of blatant self harm under the umbrella of "being trans." By self-harm I mean things like 'consensual' medical torture, AKA "gender affirming care"... We'll get to that later. My main point is that, if all you want is a different name and basic respect when dressing masc, that should be easy enough. Unless, of course, these people are so misogynistic that they value gender conformity over their relationship with you.
My most potent moment of "gender euphoria" was in my high school junior year. I'd dipped out of class early, so I was walking through empty hallways in my gym clothes. Some boys behind me started calling out, "yo, what is that? Is that a boy?" At that moment, I was thrilled that they felt confused about my short hair and androgynous clothes. I really thought they could tell I "was nonbinary" just from looking at me, and they were trying to wrap their heads around the existence of such a rare creature. Years later I realised they were harassing me for being GNC/an obvious lesbian. They saw my lack of femininity as an insult. That doesn't mean I was wrong to have "enjoyed" the harassment at the time, but the memory has a bizarre, bittersweet flavour now.
Simply put, I liked the idea of being "something else," not man or woman like everybody else, but some "secret third thing" that would get people curious, make them wonder. To this day I value uniqueness, and when I was younger "being nonbinary" seemed like a great way to show the world how special I am. But now I think that, at best, gender identities are boring, passé. My uniqueness comes from my sense of my humour, my creativity, my passion, my very soul. My trans identity didn't contribute to any of that. If anything, it sapped up too much of my attention and distracted me from the things I actually care about. Women are already inherently unique and interesting, just as all human beings are, because— despite what the patriarchy asserts— women are people, too.
Gender Nonconformity =/= Self-Harm
A asked me:
Do you think that female people should use different pronouns or surgeries if it makes them feel closer to their true selves?
Before anything else, I'd like to talk about these surgeries that the trans community discusses so casually. Earlier I called them 'consensual' medical torture because, if you look at the effects of HRT and the outcomes of sex reassignment surgeries (SRS), they're not just unsatisfying— they're horrible. It's technically consensual, but even though thousands of people willingly seek out these medical interventions, they're almost never informed of what it's actually like or how their bodies will be permanently damaged.
Let's start with testosterone. It gives you bacterial vaginosis (BV) which makes your vulva itch, burn, and smell bad, makes everything from sex to peeing painful, and puts you at risk for more serious infections like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and pelvic inflammatory disease. Your vaginal lining literally disintegrates. Your vagina cracks and bleeds. I shouldn't have to tell you that that HURTS!
Testosterone increases your libido but you will be so dry that sex and masturbation will mostly hurt you. In females, sexual arousal engorges the clitoris with blood— and the clitoris is much larger than just the nub we have on the surface. It's a massive internal structure. Testosterone makes all of it grow, inside and out, to the point where just getting a little excited makes your entire vulva ache with pain.
T also gives you acne, makes you sweat, makes you gain weight, makes the hair on your head fall out, makes a bunch of hair grow everywhere else, makes you angry... Those who want to have their own biological children will likely find themselves infertile. If you do manage to get pregnant, I shudder to think of the effects of HRT on a child in utero.
Basically, you induce an extreme form of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), the natural version of which has no known cure. That's just the state of women's healthcare, ha. Of course, in a transmasculine's case, you could just stop taking HRT... but by that time, the damage has already been done. It's best to stop as soon as possible and even better to never start at all.
How often do you see the trans community talk about T in this way? I believe they keep quiet on purpose. All they want to talk about is "getting a deeper voice" and "fat redistribution," "facial hair" and "passing better." As a result, the women who take these drugs are woefully uninformed about the suffering that awaits them. Here are some sources for this information that I encourage everyone to read for themselves. I don't want anyone to go into the doctor's office thinking they will be cool, suave, sexy, and masc, only to walk out fat, bald, angry, sexually frustrated, and in chronic pain.
I cannot stand for a movement or culture that ignores or suppresses this information just because talking about it will scare people away from "transitioning." No shit, they should be scared away from it! And the medical professionals who facilitate this are sketchy as hell. Personally I think it counts as medical malpractice, though I'm not sure of the legal definition. At the very least, they all need to go under review. I'm horrified on behalf of everyone who has been mistreated and lied to, including those who have yet to realise it.
Do NOT Yeet Your Breasts
Compared to other SRS, namely ""bottom surgery,"" a double mastectomy is arguably the "safest" of the bunch. After all, there is a real medical basis for breast amputation: cancer. As such, it's been more thoroughly studied and practiced, but it is still relatively niche and, like all amputations, dangerous and traumatising. Compared to cancer survivors who grudgingly give up their breasts to save their lives, a physically healthy woman who genuinely believes the amputation will cure her self-esteem problems or protect her from sexism will likely be more enthusiastic about her flat chest. So perhaps it's not immediately mentally traumatising, but on a physical basis it ALWAYS is.
They are literally laying you down on a table, then cutting you open and scooping flesh out from under your skin. If that's not bodily trauma, then what is?
They have to slice through your nerves. Nerve damage, and other post-op complications like scarring and swelling, can leave your chest and armpits aching and burning for the rest of your life. Even if they're careful in every other regard, something as simple as having your arm in the wrong position during the surgery can ruin the whole thing. Doctors botch these surgeries so often that there is an official diagnosis for those who suffer long term: Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome (PMPS). I don't know if you personally experience chronic pain or know anyone who does, but it's debilitating. You've got your flat chest but now you're too depressed, too exhausted, hurting too badly to enjoy it. Of course, because nobody cares about women's health, there's no real cure for this. You'll probably just get hooked on pain meds.
Interspersed with the pain and oversensitivity is numbness. Hugs will never feel the same. If you're lucky enough to keep your nipples, they won't have any feeling in them. They're also likely to be sewn back on in the wrong place or incorrect orientation. Pictures of double mastectomies have always looked weird and unnatural to me because of the bizarre nipple placements. Depending on which surgeon you go to, there are massive variations in the end results. Of course it'll look "better" with a shirt on, but isn't the point to like yourself naked, too? Every time you undress, you'll be confronted by the consequences of your actions. Maybe you can shower in the dark to cope— but you didn't need to cut off your breasts for that.
If you're not happy with the results of your amputation, you might try to get another surgery to make it look slightly better... and another surgery... and another surgery... until your resolve (or your money) runs out. Every time you go under the knife, you expose yourself to more pain, more trauma, more potential side effects. Like sepsis, a deadly infection that feels like the worst flu of your life. If you're not treated quickly enough, you'll die. If you survive, you might end up with permanent damage to your immune system and brain. That said, scarring (and I mean deep, permanent, rigid scars under your skin) from just the first surgery may prevent you from getting any more. Then you're just stuck with whatever the first guy left you!
And all that for what??? Because you don't like your breasts? You can't get them back. Thankfully there is such a thing as "reverse top surgery" but even this advertisement— where they're trying to convince you to buy their services— asks you to "set expectations accordingly." If you realise later on that you miss your old appearance, that you want to breastfeed your child, that you can't stand the numbness, the scars, the pain, that cutting up your body really WAS a massive act of self harm... well.......
It's not like a haircut. It's not like going to the dentist. It's not like an appendectomy. It's not even like a nose job. You can't get them back. And if you express your regret, the trans community will disown you.
You Only Have One Body, One Life
If you've never heard of any of this before, that's by design. The transgender movement has to double down on their "identities" and big pharma wants permanent patients: people taking drugs they don't need, people taking more drugs to treat the painful side effects of the other drugs, people signing up for surgeries they don't need, people taking even more drugs to manage the damage created by those surgeries... forever. Because you only have one body. One life. And if you are made sick, you will have to find ways to hold yourself together, physically and mentally. They'll make even more money prescribing psychiatric drugs to treat your depression, anxiety, PTSD, and whatever preexisting mental health conditions led you to "become trans" in the first place!
So just like I would never give weight loss drugs to an anorexic, I would not advocate for anyone to surgically or medically alter their healthy body for the purpose of gender nonconformity. We look at people who intentionally disable themselves— like pouring chemicals in their eyes or at-home dry ice amputations— as severely mentally ill and in need of protection from themselves. Why don't we see the same thing when a woman desperately wishes to remove her breasts? Maybe we don't "need them" as much as we need our eyes or our legs, because we don't rely on them for much in our daily lives. But my breasts are still an important part of my body, and my body IS me!
There are arguments to be made for surgical breast reductions (and augmentations) but in my opinion surgery should be the absolute last resort. If your boobs are so big and heavy that they hurt you, then lose weight, strengthen your chest & back muscles, rethink your bra/bustier situation, practice body neutrality, and be grateful for the health you do have. But I say this as someone who values integrity & autonomy, independence, DIY... Other people will want solutions that seem faster or easier than lifestyle changes. If they want to indulge in the luxury of elective cosmetic surgery (of the SAFE and LEGITIMATE variety), then that's their choice. But, as we've seen, "transitioning" is neither safe nor legitimate, especially not when the patient is ignorant of the true outcomes.
And all this begins from the assumption that there is a real, physical problem to start with. If the problem is emotional or societal then it should be solved emotionally and societally. It's not bad that my breasts grew early or that they're a bit large for my stature. It's bad that men and boys sexually harass me. It's bad that, no matter how a woman really looks, society says there's something wrong with her, something she needs to fix and improve— and also that a woman's worth lies in her appearance. If there's always something questionable about her value, she will forever be inferior. Cutting off my breasts would not solve this. It only reinforces misogyny, internally and externally.
In this woman-hating world: I was harassed, so it's my responsibility to "fix" my natural body to be "less offensive and sexual." There really WAS something wrong about my appearance! And I hate that women are so harshly judged for their looks, but I feel powerless to change it, so I'll try to distance myself from my femaleness as much as possible. No breasts. No feminine name. No female identity. To protect my sanity in this world that hates me, I have to be "something else."
All of this I say with love. When I called myself trans, I dreamt of ""top surgery."" I dreamt of the freedom to walk around shirtless like penis-havers do— honestly, I still covet such an experience. But I'm still eternally grateful that I did not amputate my breasts. I don't always like them. I do feel insecure sometimes. And I always protest when people sexualise me just because I'm female, but I'd rather have them than not. It's healthier for me to learn to accept them than to cut them off, as if parts of me were just garbage to discard.
I'm intimately familiar with the correlation between self-hatred and self-harm. If I cut myself because I don't like myself, I get thrown in a mental hospital. But if a doctor cuts me because I don't like myself, I pay him thousands of dollars for the trouble and the whole trans community cheers. Then, when I learn to like myself a little and speak out against the self-harm that they all encouraged, I'm evil, bigoted, fake, and a hater. You can't make this shit up lol.
To my readers who wear "boy" clothes: if a flat chest is integral to your aesthetic, then just bind your breasts. That's not particularly safe either (you can't run, it can crack your ribs, etc.) but at least you can take the binder off. There's no scars, no sepsis— pain, yes, but impermanent compared to a literal amputation. I do NOT recommend this to a growing child! Binding disrupts breast development, it is not safe for kids. An ex of mine ended up with saggy, tubular breasts of two completely different sizes and she was insecure over it to the day she died. Consider this suggestion purely harm reduction and only for fully grown adults.
That said, it is possible to like or at least become neutral towards your chest, and one day feel no desire to remove or bind your breasts. I promise you, there's nothing wrong with your body. There's no real conflict between your masculine presentation and the female body underneath.
Why I Don't Respect Pronouns
Well... pronouns are just words. Compared to destroying your one and only body, they're no big deal. I've heard that, historically, some butch lesbians have gone by he/him and I guess that's just ~gay culture~ for ya. Male names, words of masculine address— I support women using these as long as they don't call themselves "trans," too. Do they distance themselves from womanhood because they believe being female is wrong, bad, or not good enough? Well, that's offensive to me as a feminist.
Obviously, all people have the right to request, "call me this, not that," but I have the right to refuse. I don't respect trans people's pronouns because I do not play along with delusions of gender. I see now that the way that I used to weaponise my trans identity— my name, pronouns, and labels— is unfair to the people forced to accommodate me. I'd demand that they rewrite their reality for my (still easily disrupted) comfort, and these days I value truth over all else. Calling female people "she" and penis-havers "he," all the time no matter what gender they insist they "really" are, is my hard sociolinguistic boundary. The trans people (or butch lesbians) who cannot abide this have every right to distance themselves from me and pursue relationships where there's no conflict of interest.
I Hate Men. I HATE Men.
As her final question, A asked for my opinion on intersex conditions. Many trans-identified people are intrigued by these birth defects because they consider them a "gotcha" against biological reality. But because I have no real opinions on intersex conditions, I ended up digressing into feminist outrage. Here, watch it happen in real time:
I am genuinely curious about how you view children born with atypical genitalia/sex characteristics that don't match? Do you see them as whatever sex a doctor suggests?
I have no opinions on individuals with intersex conditions because I'm totally uninformed about their experience. It would be unethical to act like my thoughts have any weight here. But I have seen trans identified people pretend to be intersex or falsely equate their experiences with intersex conditions, just because they think it makes them more interesting. Again I say that, at best, gender identities are boring and passé. Fundamentally they are lies and pretend games we force everyone to play. If, on top of that, you're going to lie about your body and your trauma history... I will have no respect for you at all.
I also find it interesting how the transgender movement has co-opted intersex-related terminology (e.g. DFAB, AFAB) and advocacy for their own benefit. There is a word for this— one movement piggybacking on another to give itself credibility— but it escapes me. Trans rights activists do that all the time. The 80's-90's feminist slogan "women's rights are human rights" became "trans rights are human rights" in the 2010's. "Black lives matter," protesting centuries of racially motivated murders, quickly became "trans lives matter." Did you know that "LGBTQIA+" (and its dozen extra letters) began as just "GLB?" These are just a few examples off the top of my head.
There are many more instances of trans people stealing slogans and talking points from legitimate human rights movements. As a black woman, I'm especially appalled by comparisons between misogynoir (the intersection of anti-Black racism and misogyny) and ""transmisogyny."" But if I want to get into that, I'd have to explain my point of view on penis-havers and I've already written so much.
Basically, I think it's unfair to people with intersex conditions to be nonconsensually "lumped into" the transgender movement. Not that there's no overlap... just that I'd guess 99% of trans-identified people have a 'healthy/normal' birth sex. It's false to pretend that sex exists on a spectrum because it really, really does not. These conditions are RARE. In basically every case, a person's sex is obviously one thing and there's no refuting that, no matter the lengths they go to obscure it (i.e. "pass").
By the way... "passing" was stolen from Black people, too. Originally it means a Black person's ability to be consistently mistaken as white, which was very important during segregation because many business establishments, amenities, public spaces, and general life opportunities were only available to whites. Schools, restaurants, careers, bathrooms... all barred to us because our skin colour marked us as inferior beings. Jim Crow laws did everything in their power to enslave us again while calling us technically "free." (If you're not American (or just ignorant), please look up "Jim Crow" for more info.)
Now trans identified people have their own struggles with being denied access to certain spaces. But I'd like to point out that these spaces— schools, bathrooms, sports, rape crisis or homeless shelters, even prisons— are sex segregated for safety reasons. Not because penis-havers are considered "inferior beings," (far from it, the patriarchy is alive and well) but because their access to vulnerable women and children correlates directly to physical and sexual violence. As someone who has been repeatedly victimised I CANNOT STAND to see innocent people put in harm's way for such illegitimate reasons as male feewings uwu.
"Transwomen" are not women. They're men. And by and large, they're sexual predators. They go to great lengths to lie about the danger they pose to others specifically because casting themselves as harmless, fragile, and the Most Oppressed People Ever gives them greater cover to hurt others— often to the point of criminality. In my opinion, these are the most insidious lies of the trans movement. Because they're so deeply ingrained in the culture, I don't expect those within the culture to believe me. Just like I was, you're probably used to "transwomen" being praised, celebrated, coddled, excused, and prioritised above everyone else, including transmen and anyone DFAB. Haven't you noticed how they talk over you, dismiss your ideas, and always have the last word? Speaking purely from the perspective of sex, DMAB vs DFAB, male vs female........... doesn't this perfectly mirror the patriarchy?
Hm. Almost like anybody with a penis is just a man and he'll use his male privilege to get what he wants from the women and girls around him.
Questions for You... Yes, You!
I posed these things directly to A, but I invite all my trans-identified readers to reflect on them too. Feel free to replace "nonbinary" with your own special gender label, whatever it may be.
- What does "nonbinary" mean to you? What feelings, situations, and traits do you associate with this label and how do they compare to your ideas of "woman" and "man?"
- Still thinking of traits, associations, and stereotypes, how would your community/general society describe women, men, and nonbinary people?
- For each category, where do you and "society" agree? Where do you most disagree? Why do you think that is?
- Which category has the most positive traits? Which has the most negative? Why?
And lastly: Why do you need to be trans? Which of your needs does a trans identity fill for you? Is there any other way you can fulfill those needs?
A admitted that, even if she embraced her femaleness, she'd keep doing the same things and acting the same way. That's how it was for me when I desisted. All I did was take back my birth name. I realised pretty quickly that my nonbinary identity did nothing for me. I didn't need it at all and I've been much, much happier without it.
Still, I know it is hard to disavow gender ideology, especially for someone who's spent years of their life believing in it. I was 5 years deep, myself, but it was easier to let it go because I didn't have any friends at the time. There was nobody waiting to turn on me, call me transphobic or a faker, etc. You might be afraid of what would happen if you reidentified as female. That's completely normal and expected. To that, I'd just ask you to consider what might happen to you if you continue on being trans, even if it no longer serves you.
Please remember, you are not beholden to decisions you made or beliefs you adopted when you were a literal child. I was 15 years-old when I labelled myself "trans" and 20 years-old when I let it go. This is pretty normal, considering people in that age bracket are meant to be discovering their values. Age notwithstanding, people take new paths in life all the time. 40, 50, 60 year olds can reinvent themselves. All we need is the courage to look at the truth for what it is and the conviction to follow through.
So, if you think you're trans and this essay riles you up, makes you rethink things, and makes you wonder what it'd be like to settle back into womanhood... great! But I don't have any expectations for you to act on those thoughts. I don't expect people to agree with everything I say in the same way I wouldn't expect myself 5-6 years ago to understand my current perspective. What we're talking about are fundamental pieces of our identities— yours as "trans," mine as female. I wouldn't give up my truth any easier than you would give up yours. I think that, when we make decisions about who we are and how we want to be, it's healthiest to start where we are and learn as much as we can. What fits will fit and we can discard the rest.
Even though it makes me deeply, deeply sad to see other people harming themselves or believing lies about what it means to be female, you have a human right to your own lifestyle and beliefs. None of this was written with the intent to forcibly change anyone. I'm only speaking what I know to be true and hoping that it resonates.
So yeah. I am a feminist.
Coincidentally, on the same day I e-mailed A, someone kindly asked me about my feminist opinions. I figured this essay is the best place to respond.
I agree with the basic tenets of radical feminism: women are oppressed becuase of our female bodies. Men seek to control human reproduction by subjugating us. Personally I think they have incurable womb envy, so they do everything in their power to avoid or subvert the fact that they can't create life. But I haven't read enough radical feminist literature or practised enough activism to consider myself part of a real political group. I don't know what the fuck Marxism is and I won't pretend that I do! But my feminism still goes far beyond gender criticism.
My ideal is female liberation. I want every girl to grow up intimately aware of her intrinsic worth, her bodily autonomy, her human rights. I want every woman to exercise her freedom of thought, to express her true self, to know indelibly that it's beautiful, righteous, and pure to be female. I want better health, greater happiness, and more expansive opportunities for women of every age in every facet of life. I want the whole world to see and understand that female people are complete human beings. We define ourselves. We determine our own values. We pursue our hearts' passions. We enjoy life and have every right to enjoyable lives.
Bottom line, I want it to be safe for women and girls to exist in this world. In my greatest dreams, the world is oriented to help each and every one of us thrive. I live by these principles and hope to inspire others to follow suit. This is my rebellion against our (globally) misogynistic society. And, though subtle, I truly believe that self-love, self-care, and compassion for my fellow women and girls are political acts. When I'm not doing active activism, the most powerful thing I can do is love myself in a world that hates me. The violence others inflict on me and people like me (black, female, homosexual) reflects the character of the oppressor, not my value as a person. I am perfect and whole. It's my duty to live in this truth.
I'm blessed to be born into a world that was in part crafted by the feminists and abolitionists before me. I'm so grateful to be wealthy, healthy, literate, unmarried but with the right to marry, and HUMAN. Gone are the days when penis-havers could call me chattel. Nah, I'm free. And whatever freedoms we've yet to win... I can be patient.
"You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind." — Gandhi
Yes, I know Gandhi was an incestuous sexual abuser. If even the greatest men among us will exploit their power to abuse vulnerable women and children, then we have an even greater need for female liberation. I seek to live in a world where children are protected, cherished, and free to develop their sexuality on an appropriate timeline, unimpeded by selfish adults. This selfish adult happened to say something profound enough that I wanted to quote it here. Surely, a woman in a different context could have said the same thing but better. I'm proceeding with the Gandhi quote because I wanted to make this point about the best men still being the worst. It's rather sad.
Hmm... how about my queen Coco Chanel?
"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud."