2025.05.20

Today I am blogging for fun because I want to. As you can see, I am not just a feminist but a person, too. │─┸ "Evil" "TERFs" also have friends, families, hobbies, personalities, feelings, basic human needs, and a lot more to do with their time than, I dunno, invalidate trans identities all day. So here's everything I've been up to since my last big update.

In March, I turned 25! To celebrate, my mom took me out to lunch at one of our favourite cafés. I ordered a fancy grilled cheese and a long island iced tea and was drunk before the food arrived. Apparently I am a very chatty drunk. In lieu of dessert, the waitress brought me a free serving of potato salad with a candle in it. She even sang to me!

"Happy birthday dear..." (She trails off because she doesn't know my name.)

"Oh my gosh, thank you! My wish is— what's your name?" (I don't know hers either.) She told me with a smile so I said my wish was "for you, *****, to have a lovely day and so much money." I drunkenly promised her she would be "soooo rich, as rich as she could handle," and that's where my memory cuts off.

... I'm joking. I'm a lightweight but one drink won't make me black out. It'll just make me desperate for people to know my secrets. God, I love being drunk. But not so much that I wanna do it more than 4 times a year. My birthday, Christmas, Christmas in July... I'll come up with an autumnal occasion as necessary.

I got lots of lovely gifts this year. is slowly working her way through all the official Sans merchandise. For Christmas she gave me the Skelebro's tote bag and an authentic plush, and now the throw blanket and Mercy/Fight pins! The blanket is perfect for sleeping out out in the sun room. Most days, I leave it folded up at the head of my bed— the perfect place to see it from my desk!!! And it keeps my phone charger from slipping down into my bed frame, too www.

I haven't used the pins yet. They're in storage along with my two gaster blasters. I've been planning for years to decorate my randoseru with an image of Sans's boss fight, but clearly my heart isn't in it if I haven't done it yet! I don't think I carry the bag often enough to justify the effort... We'll see. In the meantime, there's always my itabag. Recently some of the decorations slipped out of place. The blue background is a shower cap, so tape only kind of works. I just got my hands on some very nice blue cardboard, though, so I think I'll rearrange the whole thing!

The source of the carboard? The box my old keyboard came in. The keys were chattering something awful— so bad not even KCF could fix it. You get what you pay for. It was a quick, cheap replacement for my first board, my beloved Womier K98, may she rest in peace... They discontinued that model (I suspect they were all defective like mine) so I shelled out for a NuPhy Halo96, and oh my God... She's perfect. I love the sound and feeling of the lemon switches. Typing is a breeze. The materials seem to be in high quality, too. I got an extended warranty just in case, but I'm predicting a long and happy life together with the most beautiful keyboard upon which I have ever typed.

I replaced my GPU, too— finally!!! It was my birthday, my depression was lifting thanks to some big changes, I'd just finished a project for my work... I figured that was enough of an "excuse" to reward myself, right? I spent an afternoon installing it, practically shaking with excitement about all the games I'd get to play again. For a minute it seemed dire: I got caught in a boot loop! Then reminded me to reset my CMOS battery and it worked like a charm.

From her and , I got a surprise Build A Bear!!! His name is Sanschacco and I love him more than life itself. We are snuggling as I write this. The audio recording in his paw is an inside joke and it gets me every time. I've already told them both "thank you" a thousandfold, but if they happen to be reading this, then thanks again!

For my birthday I also got... an ear infection! I've had sinus problems my whole life so I'm surprised I made it 25 years without one. My ear had been hurting for a while, badly enough that I couldn't chew, but after a day it would go away and I'd forget about it. Then it didn't go away. It hurt more and more, so I couldn't forget it, either. I thought I'd just wait it out, but my family insisted I get someone to look at it.

On my first visit to the urgent care, my doctor was a friendly old lady with purple hair. She gave me good news: my eardrum was cloudy, but not infected! She suggested I eat spicy food to clear up my sinuses. I didn't feel like explaining that I don't tolerate spice because I can't smell or taste very well. None of the flavours reach me— just the poison. So I only pretended to be enthusiastic about Thai food, knowing I'd stick with the hot compress I'd already started.

A day or two later, my ear was swollen shut. I couldn't hear on that side. I couldn't touch that side of my head. I couldn't eat. Aspirin didn't help. Funnily enough, I was so disoriented that the first time I tried taking some medicine, I downed a dose of antacids by mistake. That obviously made no difference and I slept fitfully, suffering.

I only felt better when I ditched the warm washcloth for bags of ice and took 800mg of ibuprofen... three times a day. For reference, I am five feet tall, about 105 pounds. When I went back to the urgent care and told the new doctor and nurse about my painkiller routine, they both (separately) went, "oh, no, but you're so tiny!"

This time the doctor was younger, maybe in her late 30's, with long black hair. With her hand resting on my shoulder, she peered through the minuscule opening in the swelling and confirmed that my eardrum was totally inflamed. Then she smoothed out my shirt and listened to my lungs through my back. I pretended this was not the first time in years that I've been touched so tenderly by anyone but my family.

After I took a few deep breaths, she said, "your heart's beating pretty fast. Are you nervous?"

"Oh, I've just never had an ear infection before!" Technically true.

She retreated to her side of the tiny examination room and we discussed my pending prescription. In the end it was just an oral antibiotic taken twice daily. As the conversation petered out, she suddenly said, "you are so adorable. Do you get that a lot?"

I laughed and thanked her, and replied with an honest no. I don't hear that often because there's no one around to hear it from. Except my mom, I guess, and she does call me cute on the reg— but does that count? I don't think it counts. Overall this was a bizarre experience. The last of our conversation was her asking me what I do for a living (in case I needed a doctor's note), then gushing with praise when I told her I'm self-employed. I think it was the nature of my business that excited her.

She said something like, "I've heard about that on TV. I never thought I'd meet someone who actually does it!"

It is pretty rare. That's why I was silently stunned when the patient in line in front of me told the receptionist she had the exact same job. What are the odds, right? So I let the doctor know, and then we were both excited about it, and she shared it with a nurse passing by, who chimed in like, "oh, wow, cool!" I was walking out the door at that point— or trying to. It felt strangely hard to leave, like hanging up the phone on someone you love. Eventually I managed to turn my back and wave goodbye. I picked up my prescription, took it as instructed, and was fine in a week.

I'm still not sure what to make of all that. At the end of the day, no matter her intentions or her sincerity, I enjoyed getting positive attention from a pretty woman. You can never get too much of that.

One day in April, mentioned she was going to play DDR, and that got me thinking about Just Dance 2. I pulled up some footage of the Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" dance and found myself pleasantly exhausted by the end. For a couple years now I have been feeling my heart beat fast when I roll over in bed, so... every bit of exercise helps. I thought about dancing along to more videos like that... but isn't it more fun to actually play? I want to earn points! I want celebratory SFX! As much as I've loved my walking meditations and yoga routines, I am but a humble zoomer. Video games are the most reliable way to get me to do... well, anything.

So I bought myself some joycons (and a charger!) to use as motion controllers. The left one works flawlessly while the right is a bit stiff sometimes. Fiddling with the BetterJoy settings offers mixed results. It helps to hold the controller backwards, but the most reliable solution is putting more power into my movements. Watch out for those right hooks when I'm fitness boxing with Hatsune Miku!!!

This game is actually so amazing. The familiar music, cute characters, and exercise endorphins carried me through all my emulation struggles. When the game kept crashing on "Kami Ppoi Na," I just played "World End's Dancehall" again. I was so excited to unlock "PoPiPo" and "Telecaster B-Boy," too, but I think "Just Be Friends" is my real favourite. The tempo is great. The moves are rewarding. There are long pauses at the beginning and end where I just dance freely. Plus, it's a Luka classic— it fits perfectly with my chosen trainer!

At first I was baffled by her one-sided leggings, but I realised it's meant to mimic the slit in her skirt. I'm the most impressed by her redesign, honestly. Rin and Miku look cute but boring, and Len's look is straight up lazy. Give him short shorts, you cowards. I don't think they'll make any more exercise partners, but it'd be interesting to see Kaito and Meiko added, or even IA and v.Flower. Ahhh, if only we could get a Nilfruits song in here. I want to fitness box to "Ameri!" Or maybe "Funny Insipid Candy Vendor," from his new album. Didn't they put "Traffic Jam" in PuroSeka? Don't let me down, Nintendo e-shop overlords.

After a rather sedentary decade, the exercise is just right for me. Not counting warm-up and cool-down stretches, I aim for 30 minutes of movement every session— 10 on rest days. When the time comes, I'll raise the difficulty with wrist and ankle weights. First, I want to tighten up my form and get good at squeezing my core. My stamina and breath control have already improved, and I'm not bloated at all anymore. Most importantly, it's a lot of fun and adds some routine to my day. I get moving when the sun starts to go down, after the hottest part of the day is over. Then I'm so sweaty, I need a shower! And once I'm clean, I'm hungry, too, so it's officially dinnertime!

Funny thing about my bathroom routine... I kept messing it up by starting in the wrong place. I'd wash my face and slather on all my chemicals, only to realise damn, my waterpick is just going to spray all of this off! Or I'd brush with toothpaste right away, once again negating the waterpick along with the mouthwash, the floss... Or I'd skip everything! When I'm depressed, hygiene is the first thing to go.

To solve all these problems at once, I made stickers for my mirror. I spent an evening collecting and cutting out clip art, then "laminating" it with packing tape. It looks like a lot because it is. The first two-thirds are for my teeth, and the orange (dry) brush and beyond are for my skin. Overall, the routine takes 20-25 minutes, 35-40 if I shower at the face-washing step. Sometimes I'm like, oh my God, that's way too long... But what else do I have to do? Taking care of myself— my one and only body in my one and only life— is my first priority.

And as always, cuteness is my highest value. These stickers are super adorable and surprisingly motivating! Just last night I stumbled into the bathroom thinking, I DONT WANNA DO IT!!!!! But it's easy to build up momentum once I get started. I let myself complain about how long and complicated and uncomfortable it is, but I don't let myself give up halfway. Sans hangs around for emotional support.

"Don't wanna floss? Yeah, I hear you. But if you were gonna do it anyway, what colour flosser would you want?"

With a withering sigh... "Pink..."

And when were ya'll gonna tell me that flossing feels good?! It's nothing compared to ear-cleaning, of course, but when I ignore the fact that it hurts, it's actually a little addictive. I'm sure I enjoy it twice as much as regular floss, too, since the dinosaur shapes are so cute and easy to use. Picking a new colour every time (blue, green, yellow, or pink) actually is part of my ritual. It plays into an age-old parenting trick they call two great choices.

It's not, "do you want to floss your teeth?"

It's, "alright, let's floss. Do you want the stegosaurus or the pterodactyl?"

The desired outcome is no longer an "if" or a "when," but a "how." And you know what? It works! I'm pulling out all the stops here because last time I got a cavity filled, the dentist told me they can only do so much. Eventually, your teeth will have the integrity of swiss cheese. Still halfway high on nitrous oxide, I cried and said swiss cheese is the worst kind of cheese because there is inherently less of it. Fast forward through another year of never flossing, and now I have a Sans-themed reward chart on my bathroom wall.

It's just regular paper once again "laminated" in packing tape, but this time with a card stock backing. I wanted it sturdy so I'd feel comfortable writing on it. Those stars are dry erase marker! I was surprised by how cleanly it goes on and wipes off. I do have an actual whiteboard on the back of my magnetic calendar, but I haven't used it since I erased the death-by-Sans tally... Maybe that's 'cause it's so cute, I never wanna flip it around! I even put a tiny Sans on top when I printed him out too small to go on The Wall.

Behold: The Wall of Sans.

I know I had him all over my old room, too, but I really went ham this time... I'm not even done yet! There'd be more if I hadn't run out of glossy photo paper. I have to get thirty bathroom stars before I buy any more, lol.

And while I have so much more to blog about, like my custom phone layouts, my experience restringing SANSDOLL, my new interest in spiritual surrender and soul alignment... I HAVE BEEN WRITING THIS POST FOR TWO MONTHS!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!! Until next time...