2026.04.17

┤☆┸┠┐ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! ╂┬♪│┐

Last month I had the best birthday of my whole life! Everyone showered me with gifts and kind words, so all day I felt nothing but happy and loved. Big big thanks to my princess for rallying every artist in our circle to draw Sans for me!!! And for sending a super thoughtful, extra glitterful package again this year.

I never would have guessed she'd give me a disc drive! The moment I unwrapped it, I knew it'd kick my ass into gear to finish all my Sans playlists. I want to draw on the discs themselves, then make cute cases for them, too! Penpals, prepare yourselves for 8-track CDs custom fit to your vibes.

And!!!! It's a little silly how it happened, but and I basically started dating on my birthday, too. It was like a love confession with extra steps so it took another 3 days to actually seal the deal, hahaha. Back when we were just friends, she was already conspiring to send me M&M's with Sans's face on them... Ladies, if she doesn't treat you like this, what are you doing with you life??? God, I'm so lucky to have met her when I did, and so, so, so in love. Every day since we got together has been somehow better than the last.

Perhaps it's because at the end of March, all of us Pisces People broke out of a 9-year "struggle cycle," as let me know. That's great astrological news, but I was even more stoked by the lovely package she sent!!! She wrapped it up so beautifully, I almost didn't want to open it... Rest assured, I put that perfect polka dot ribbon to good use on my "Everybody Loves Me" wall. She's the one who suggested I tie it in a bow, too!

From Mother Flonne, I received four gemstone bracelets that I wear all day, everyday now. She ordered them early so I've had them on since at least early March. What's funny is that I can't forget I'm wearing them, yet they're comfortable and unobtrusive at the same time. I love rolling them around my wrist and thinking about what they mean. It seems unfair to attribute all the amazing developments in my life to some crystals, but after I started wearing them I did make more money, feel healthier in my body and mind, get the kind of girlfriend I always wanted, step more and more into my dream life every single day.... Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was mostly just the natural trajectory of my life, but it's nice to know these little stones are along for the ride.

Although 's gift was coincidentally timed, OMG I could not have been more grateful to receive a VGen code on my birthday!!! I anticipate that's where I'll make the bulk of my art sales. I'm still setting up my profile, so I'll link it (way later) when I'm done. Super duper thank you's to the friends and fans who have already commissioned me, and to everyone who supports my art.

And I never expected would send me Sans's hoodie!!! No Sans collection is complete without it. It's like she somehow sensed that I'd been pining over it lately. Of course I have a basic white T-shirt and some black shorts with white stripes, so please look forward to my closet cosplay coming sometime eventually. In the meantime, I'll keep it hung up in the open so I can easily throw it on whenever I need to go out at night.

Ah, what a blessing it is to be so completely surrounded by love and luxury. I've been having so much fun playing around with everyday that I haven't been writing or drawing as much— at least not in any public-facing capacity. But my darling was first and foremost Vivarism's #1 Fan, so with her help I'm getting back into the swing of things. We're actually on the phone right now LOL, each of us doing our own thing. Should I ask her to praise me for finishing up the introduction? Hehe.

Since I skipped my usual New Year's Reflection, this entry serves as a similar recap, just spanning my life from March 2025 to March 2026, rather than Jan' to Jan'. When I was rereading 's website (as one who loves her will do), I got inspired by her birthday bloggy and thought, hey! Lemme do that, too! So let's see, how's life for me right now...?

Questions About This Past Year

1. What's your favorite memory from the past year?
   My new favourite memory of all time: laughing and chatting with during our music and anime parties.

   For a couple years now, we have been getting together to listen to music on Cytube, or watch movies and anime on Hyperbeam. Relatively recently, I realised these are some of the best moments of my life. We stay up late laughing at ridiculous jokes, making up yumejoshi daydream scenarios, and enjoying each other's impeccable taste in media.

   With music, sometimes we establish a genre or mood at the start, everything from darkwave to J-Pop to video game OSTs. Most nights we go for a "whiplash" or "chaos" vibe where any song goes. She's introduced me to a lot of new favourites, like The Marias and Scoobie Do, and one of the best music videos ever lmao.

   Recently, we watched Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (2009) and the original Cardcaptor Sakura (1998). I often took breaks from writing this entry to watch more anime with her! Isn't that sweet? is the best best friend I have ever had. I feel so safe and happy with her because we just naturally understand and accept each other. I'm grateful for all the time we spend together!

2. If you could relive one moment from this past year, what would it be?
   I'm really not into reliving the past anymore LOL. If something good happened, it's up to me to make something just as good— or even better!— happen again. Let me ramble a bit about memories though...

   For the longest, the "happiest moments" of my life were really not that happy. Falling so ill in childhood that I couldn't eat or move, but gained the amazing privilege of laying quietly beside my father all day with zero expectations. Resting my head in the lap of my high school codependency, in the backseat of a rental car bumping along rural roads on a moonlit night. Tangling up with my ex in her cramped twin bed, napping through a rainy day instead of packing my things to leave. In isolation, these memories are fine favourites. There's peace and quiet. I felt physically comfortable and perhaps even loved.

   In context, I clung to small instances of safety because they were so rare. Each of these former-favourites centre people who abused me. While I laid bedridden in his California King, my dad ignored my physical condition and invited me (a nine year old) to insult my mother with him. After we dropped my high school friend back at home, she texted to let me know she hated me, had wasted her time seeing me, and did not want to hear from me until I got her permission to text back. As for my ex, the days winding down to my departure were better than usual because she lucked into a better batch of heroin. That's probably why she was so sleepy midday. Me? I kept jolting awake from nightmares of her torturing and trafficking me. I'm glad the nap I had then was dreamless.

   Some trials lasted longer than others, but they all ended when I realised, oh, this person is just using me. Then I'd escape. To get completely away, I had to cut contact not only in the present, but the past as well. Lingering feelings of "love" might persuade me to return, after all. So I'd retire my treasured memory and bed back down into a life where anything good was all mixed up in the bad.

   I live a totally different life now, surrounded by people who love me exactly as I am, who have never given me any reason to worry. I'm so so so happy and blessed!

3. Did you accomplish anything this year that you're especially proud of?
   I made a ton of cute art and wrote some valuable things, too!

   Here's my 2025 Art Summary... Click on the picture to see more!

   Socially, my most important writing was my "Feminist Killjoy" essay series. I'd love to expand on it sometime, but it's not a priority. I'm proud of myself for speaking out and staying strong despite continued harassment. I'm proud of every woman and girl who felt inspired to live a better life after reading my work. There are so many of you, more than I can keep track of! Thank you everyone for caring about what I have to say.

   Personally, my most important writing was my trauma memoir. It did what it needed to do: explain what happened to me, how I felt about it, and why I need to release myself from my past. While writing the final part, I was still really stressed out... It frustrated and frightened me to realise that simply putting my story out into the world wasn't enough to "cure" my mental illness. Therefore, the conclusion fell flat. From both a writing and healing perspective, it was not the triumphant ending I expected.

   Thankfully, I'm doing much, much better now! I plan to rewrite the ending from a more grounded perspective (while preserving the first attempt, of course). No clue when I'll get around to that, though. There's so much I want to create and share... I just have to keep moving forward one step at a time.

4. What's are you grateful for as you celebrate this year of your life?
   The original question asked about one thing I'm grateful for so that I could expand on that answer at length, but right now I'd rather make a whole list.

   First and foremost, I'm grateful for womankind's capacity for growth and change. I've come a long, long way in the past couple years, and I've made tons of progress going from 25 to 26. Beyond that, everyday I feel happy that...

   • I live somewhere clean, safe, private, and beautiful
   • I'm physically healthy! I often smile while saying, "I'm young and spry"
   • I have friends and family supporting me as I grow into my potential
   • I learned to recognise and champion my strengths
   • There is so much amazing music to listen to, sing along to, bop around to...
   • My imagination is bountiful, maybe even limitless
   • My computer runs in excellent condition
   • I have positively influenced other people, even ones I don't know
   • Everyone around me is so generous with their love

   • No matter what happens, everything will work out and I will be safe and okay

5. What's one thing you learned about yourself this year?
   I learned that it's okay to not be ready.

   And I'm not ready to answer this question, either. ┘ NEXT!

6. If you could describe this past year in one word, what would it be?
   Freeing.

   It's not like I saw no hardship this year, or that I was without sorrow (self-inflicted or otherwise). I didn't make the ~radical transformation~ I'd been unfairly pressuring myself to make since I got serious about being alive. But in this past year, I've let go of so... much... baggage..! Besides a few bad actors popping in and out, I have had only safe, loving people around me. It's crazy to say it, but 25 was the first full year of my entire life that I wasn't being abused. Finally, I've had the freedom to think for myself without worrying about what Emotional Vampire #364-A wants from me. I'll fight to keep this freedom to my final moment.

   What started as a bit of breathing room has expanded into the healthiest space I've ever occupied, socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, and beyond. The bad people are gone, and with them the bullshit they poured through my ears into my brain. None of those painful perceptions belong to me. I like myself the way I am, quirks and all. I'm proud of myself and my creations. I feel safe to just take things one day at a time.

   Everyday I think, wow, look at my lovely little life. It's mine, all mine, and I have the freedom to live a life I choose.

7. Who has made a big impact on your life this year, and how?
   Each and every one of my precious friends!

   This year I began really reaping the benefits of having deep, genuine relationships with people who love me exactly the way I am. I could not be more grateful to ,,, and for their consistent support. Whenever I'm worried about anything, there's a whole team of smart, talented, beautiful, hilarious women ready to help me. Having people to rely on who also rely on me... People to laugh with all night long... People who trust me with their true selves just as I trust them with mine... Yep, it's totally transformed my life and perception of myself. Remember everybody, self-esteem is a group project.

   The love everyone shares with me magnifies the love I've cultivated for myself. To anyone struggling: it's easier said than done, but please, please go out there and get yourself some affectionate, funny, reliable friends!

   Until recently, I'd been operating on a deficit of love. I had to fight with ill-equipped, often malicious people for basic decency. They took advantage of my empathy and betrayed my trust. I felt helpless, untethered, lost, and alone. I thought there was something wrong with me— at the soul level!— inspiring my mistreatment. Now I know that, first of all, abusive people are the ones who choose to abuse others. I have absolutely no control over their choices. What I can control are my own thoughts and boundaries, and I've gotten very good at relying on people I trust to remind me what I'm worth.

   Thanks to my precious people, I'm finally safe. I feel more stable, more optimistic, and better able to take my time. I'm never lonely anymore. Sometimes I have so much fun with everyone, I wonder if I'm actually an extrovert. (I'm definitely not, hahaha. I still need lots of time to alone to recharge!) Just a few years ago, supportive friend groups and devoted girlfriends were only ideas to write stories about. I never imagined the warm and welcoming community that would surround me— my network of artists, webdesigners, bloggers, and other creatives that continue to uplift and inspire me.

   Whether we talk every day or three times a year, or if I don't even know you exist: thank you! Thank you so, so, so very much for being your wonderful self.

Questions About Right Now

1. What is your current favorite food?

   Oatmeal, my favourite since utero. (Mother Flonne craved it constantly while pregnant.) Ranking second are hamburgers with fries, my favourite since high school. My tastes have not changed at all and I don't want them to.

2. What is your favorite book?
   At first I wrote, "I'm ashamed to say I barely read anything at all this past year."

   Then I remembered that I have not been reading self-help books, personal development articles, and trauma memoirs as obsessively as I used to because now I have friends who love me. LOL. It's the same reason I haven't been blogging as much— I just don't feel compelled. Even as a child, reading and writing were never just hobbies for me. They were coping mechanisms, substitutions for healthy relationships. I retreated into stories and suppositions of all kinds because I had nothing going on in my real life.

   Journaling represented my frantic attempts to think my way out of mental illness, which is like trying to escape wrongful incarceration in Dirt Prison through a tunnel dug with the establishment's Regulation Mud-Made Spoon. Really what I needed was a healthy environment and the right kind of love. I've got that now! I am so blessed...!!!!!

   Anyways, I don't have a favourite book. Over the years I've read many books and comics that I love, but none that jump out as a favourite anymore. I enjoyed reading Trigun and Dungeon Meshi shortly before my birthday, though— those were great recommendations! Big thanks to my bestie and GF respectively.

3. What is your favorite movie?
   My top three are the same as they've been for years: Jean of Joneses (2016), Tár (2023), and Madoka Magica: Rebellion (2013).

   I have an ancient movie shrine that I loved making but never finished... guess I might as well publish it now, hahaha. I'm going to make lots and lots more things this year, so look forward to my upcoming shrines!

   I forgot all about Neocities' automatic feed posts for site updates lol... so to anyone who read it already? Oops!

4. What are your hobbies?
   I played a lot of video games this year...

   Like Fantasy Life i, Story of Seasons: Grand Bazaar, Infinity Nikki, Starsand Island, Deltarune... I only watched a playthrough of No More Heroes, but I do really want to let Henry kick my ass. Ahhh, there's too much to say about all these different games, so I'll just let my screenshots speak for themselves!

   I had the most fun playing Infinity Nikki with , who picked up the game just for me. Hours and hours of laughs... And tears. Because Mahjong. ┌

5. What is your favorite song?
   Here's a list of 12 really awesome songs...

   My Top 3 of All Time (All of Which I've Loved For Years)

   1. Qualifie - UNDERTALE: Last 27 Hours
   2. Journey of the 3 Basic Needs - picdo
   3. Call Me When You Get This - Corrine Bailey Rae

   Top 3 Discovered/Released This Year

   1. We Are Finally Cowboys - Jun Fukuda
   2. Evangelic Girl Is A Gun - Yeule
   3. Whenever - Megan Thee Stallion

   Most Loops This Year (Probably) (Excluding Qualifie)

   1. sans date. - PS!Outertale
   2. I Don't Know You - The Marias
   3. Monitoring - DECO*27

   Top 3 Songs Played on Ukulele This Year

   1. Sienna - The Marias (!!!)
   2. Curses - The Crane Wives
   3. Love Song - Sara Bareilles

In Conclusion

┤☆┸┠┐ LIFE RULES! ╂┬♪│┐

Thank you to everyone who loves me, who cheers for me, who relates to me, who thinks of me when I lapse on- and offline. Thank you again to everyone mentioned in this entry, and thank you to all the people who wished me a happy birthday in my guestbook, too! The widget is broken right now so I can't reply directly...┌ Well, we can always hang out in my CBox in the meantime.

At the end of 2024, I wrote this:

I've been telling everyone that I'm taking this new year one day at a time. I just want to enjoy my life.... I want to spend more time sitting upright, doing things that are creative and fun. For me, that means drawing, writing, making webpages, playing video games, doing crafts. I like to read and learn. I like to make my environment and my belongings pretty and cute. So... more of all of that, please and thank you.

I've spent the past couple years learning to recognise my emotional experience, so in 2025 I intend to pay extra attention to the times when I feel thankful, energised, relaxed, pleased, and free. I already have plenty of fun every day. Like I said about 2023, I have so much to be grateful for. It's only matter of noticing it.

I'm proud to say I aced 25-year-old Flonne's New Year's Resolution. Long gone are the lonely days I lost to depression and psychosis. Honestly, I can't remember the last day I did nothing but pity myself. Instead I've been upright and active, participating in my life the way any good protagonist should. I've been so happy, happy, happy! I can't wait to see what the rest of this year has in store.