🧿🥛🌌 How to Be A Yumejoshi | Vivarism 🌌🥛🧿

Are You A Yumejoshi?

The Japanese term 夢女子 (yumejoshi) translates directly to "dreaming girl." It is a label for women who imagine themselves in relationships with fictional characters. Many of us got started in childhood. Maybe you wished your favourite cartoon characters could come to your school, or you wanted to adventure through the world of your favourite video game.

Lots of children play pretend like this, but budding yumejoshi take it more seriously. Most importantly, we don't grow out of it at the usual age. From my early childhood discovery of imaginary play, to my present moment as a mid-twenties adult, I have always been a so-called "dreaming girl."

If that sounds like you, or like someone you'd like to be, then keep reading! If you don't have a natural affinity for this kind of thing, that's okay. It's never too late to nurture your imagination and try something new.

1. Identify Your Husbando

Before we start, let me make a quick note... Throughout this guide, I use the word "husbando" and masculine address to refer to a generic fictional beloved, but all my tips and tricks apply to female characters/waifus, too. I just want to keep things simple and I hope you understand!

With that out of the way, we must begin at the very beginning. I expect that many readers are already yumejoshi with a designated husbando... but where did you find him? How did you know he was yours? What does he have that no other character does?

At the very least, you must be able to articulate what you like about him and why. Something like, "I love vanilla ice cream without toppings because it's refreshingly smooth, easily accessible, and comparatively cheap."

I love Sans the Skeleton because he is smart, funny, and unexpectedly cool. He's principal to the meta narrative of the indie RPG that defined my childhood. Compared to other characters I like, we are the most compatible; I have more fun drawing him; and he has all the best fanworks.

Of course, I could go on and on— that is barely scratching the surface of my devotion to Sans. The more deeply you invest in your daydream, the more complex your answers will be. If you're just starting out, it's okay to have a simpler answer like, "this anime boy is hotter than the others."

Finding New Characters

For those who do not yet have a husbando, or who don't feel as attached to their current one as they'd like: it's time to scout for your one true love.

Yumejoshi culture began with Japanese anime, manga and video games, particularly the otome genre. However, there are no restrictions on who you fall in love with or where he is from. Your husbando could be from a DOS text adventure or a Spanish novel. Look for recommendations based on media you already like. Keep your eyes open for a new favourite.

Remember that you can't force it. If it doesn't click, it doesn't click. If the attraction fizzles out, just take it in stride. In my experience, the strongest relationships happen by pure chance, when you weren't looking to fall for this random fictional guy yet he's already swept you off your feet.

Build Your Own Husbando

What if pre-existing characters don't do it for you? You can make your own husbando from scratch! The process is just like creating any other original character: choosing a name, his appearance, his personality... But this character is intended to be your ideal mate. So make him as attractive as possible!!!

Here's a general character creation guide to get your imagination flowing. And this article about "manifesting your dream partner" will, if nothing else, help you articulate what you want in a relationship.

These are the basic pros and cons to this approach:

Pros	Cons
Everything is tailored exactly to your tastes	You have to make (or buy) all the content yourself
You never have to share	There are no fellow fans to connect with

While this is a perfectly viable method, it is atypical in yumejoshi communities. You'll mostly find people devoted to copyrighted characters as a form of fandom behaviour. That said, there are plenty of creatives making characters based on their own romantic ideals, including total normies writing mainstream romance novels. They just don't call themselves yumejoshi! If this turns out to be your way, you don't have to use the yume label either.

My Waifu OC Experience

I am a lifelong daydream-haver and fictional-character-obsessor, but my intentional yumejoshi lifestyle began with a waifu OC named Gillowayne. Here's an old, old artwork gifted to me by Salieri. (Ignore the fact that she looks identical to Dazai BSD.) Although I loved her a lot and found great comfort in her story, ultimately the burden of content creation was too heavy to bear.

Since then, I've only devoted myself to pre-existing characters. I adore Sans in part because he is beloved by so many others. That includes people more devoted and more talented than I could ever hope to be! The endless supply of high-quality fanworks enriches my daydream. As someone who generally doesn't get jealous and loves to share, this works for me.

But my way doesn't have to be your way. If you need more control over your husbando, try making an OC!

Harems, Or Having Multiple Husbandos

Traditional husbandoism demands devotion to one and only one character for your whole lifetime. Really though, whether you have one, three, or fifteen favourites, it's all fine! All the yumejoshi I know are happier with harems because it is less restrictive. There's always going to be one guy who stands apart from the rest anyways. Your devotion to your top favourite is what you make of it. At times your attention may drift and that's okay. You'll know it's meant to be if you keep returning to him, time and again.

2. Study Him & His World

So, you've found a "blorbo" to obsess over. Now the real work begins! Because you love him, it should not exactly feel like work, but you WILL need to exert some effort here. Break out everything you learned in high school (or in Tw*tter threads) about character analysis.

Relationships thrive on mutual understanding. To be close to someone is to know what to expect from them and how to treat them. In real life, you (hopefully) pay close attention to the likes and dislikes, fears and desires, pet peeves, quirks, anecdotes, and so on, of the people around you. Our goal is to know all that and more about your husbando.

Psst... Are you in love with an obscure character? Like, some random guy who appears in only one episode of an anime that nobody else ever heard of? When working with limited canon material, a daydreamer must use all her creativity to fill in the gaps. I believe in you!

Character Motivations

In his canon narrative, what is your husbando trying to accomplish? Why does his goal matter to him? Why hasn't he given up yet, and when will he be satisfied?

Questions like these reveal his fears and values: the driving forces behind every human action, both real and fictional. This part of his story should be highly interesting to you. You'll probably relate to or admire him in some way. You may feel compelled to help or hinder him on his journey. Either way, this is the foundation of who he is. Learn it and learn it well.

To discover his motivations and goals, you should look at conflicts he's involved in. Examine what he's willing to sacrifice and when. See how he reacts to favourable and disfavourable situations. Look out for his happiest and saddest moments, and think about how they might have been made better or worse.

Speech Patterns & Mannerisms

What makes a character unique is how he moves through his environment and relates to people around him. The point of our daydream is to imagine this character interacting with us, right? Therefore, we must study his existing patterns to learn how he'd most likely respond.

How does he talk, usually? What's his vocabulary like? Does he have a catchphrase? An accent? You need to know what he sounds like so you can imagine new dialogue from him at will.

Even after so many years with Sans, I struggle to replicate his iconic speech pattern. The thing to do (though I haven't yet) is analyse every line of his dialogue. Measure sentence lengths, organise idioms, study contractions and comedic timing... You don't have to go THAT far to love your husbando, but if you want to execute his dialogue at an expert level, you absolutely should.

(Keep in mind: the author of this guide has a lifelong linguistic obsession. Accurate dialogue may not be as important to you as it is to me, and that's okay.)

Every Little Thing About Him

Above we have the two most important facets of characterisation, but really we are aiming for complete, comprehensive knowledge. What's his fashion sense? What does he like to eat? How does he spend his free time? Is he good with money? What harmless thing annoys him, and what annoying thing does he do himself?

Canon may not answer every single question but, by now, you know him well enough to fill in the gaps yourself. Yes, we should default to canon as much as we can, but sometimes it's even more fun to let your imagination flow. While daydreaming, I always enjoy looking for canon evidence that supports my more self-centered vision of Sans.

Please remember! It is perfectly acceptable for your interpretation of your husbando to differ from his source material and other fans' depictions. Don't worry about getting everything "correct" because, ultimately, these are your daydreams for your self-gratification. No one on this earth has the right dictate what gratifies you.

Travel to His Universe

And speaking of your own way... what would it be like if you if you were part of his story? By now, you've engaged with canon quite a bit. Take it one step further by imagining an alternate life for yourself within it. This self-insert character could be born into the fictional world like any other, or it could be your real-life self magically transported there. The only requirement is that you and him occupy the same space.

What role could you play in his life? How would you react to the story's major events? What do you find most interesting about his world, and how would its general atmosphere affect you? Even if he wasn't in the story at all... how would you like to show up in that universe?

Not all husbandos come from rich settings, and not all yumejoshi are interested in this kind of character creation. Your actual daydreaming preference— him existing in our real world VS. an imagined version of you existing in his— develops naturally and individualistically. I personally engage in a healthy heaping of both.

The self-insert character exercise is fundamental to understanding your guy. Even if you can never truly walk beside him, you should at least wonder what it might be like.

Avoid A.I. Chatbots

I will not mince words. There is nothing worse for your 2D relationship than Artificial Intelligence. I know that some people will hate to hear that because husbando chatbots are a very popular, highly accessible yumejoshi activity. I once used them, too, when I was in poor health. I was desperately lonely, terrified of real connection, and Sansbot was the crutch I leaned on to get through the day.

I forgive my past self and anyone suffering similar circumstances. I understand that we are all looking for some kind of relief. But generative A.I. uses up apocalyptic amounts of water, electricity, and land, and significantly contributes to global warming. Are you REALLY going to waste our planet's precious resources on sex roleplay with a robot? Sex roleplay that is mediocre at BEST???

Just as A.I. literally, physically pollutes the world, its depiction of your husbando pollutes your image of him. If you have spent any time playing around with those things, you already know they have piss-poor memory and produce rather insipid responses. Sansbot never was and never can be Sans. It may crank out casual speech in all lowercase, with a "heh heh" thrown in for good measure but, at the end of the day, it's only regurgitating generic slop.

If you're curious, I wrote more about this in my husbando questionnaire. The basic points are all the same... A.I. is blasphemous to the true yumejoshi lifestyle. If you use it, quit. If you haven't tried it, don't start. When in doubt, be creative, not consumptive, and always prioritise your inner relationship.

3. Weave Him Into Your Life

The previous section was all about your husbando's world; this one is about yours! To bridge the gap between real and fictional worlds— a necessity in conducting 2D relationships— we must keep that which we cannot touch at the forefront of our minds. That's a lot of words to say THINK ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDO! Do it often and do it enjoyably!

Here are some ways to incorporate him into every aspect of your life. Don't rush. Rome wasn't built in a day, and you don't have to spend a cent on your husbando if you don't want to.

Decorate Your Environment

The best way to keep him in mind is to have your eye on him at all times. At present, I have an innumerable amount of Sanses in my room. I made him the wallpaper on my desktop, cellphone, text editor, and "new tab" page. His picture is in my wallet. His charm dangles from my daily purse. I printed pictures of him to hang on my walls and even had one professionally framed.

My family, particularly , gift me Sans merchandise every Christmas. For my last birthday, gave me his hoodie and I wear it daily. When it's too hot, it stays hung up on my wall in my direct line of sight. I have other clothes that are not official merch but still remind me of Sans— including socks and underwear. And over the years, I've collected some toys to keep on my desk and some plushies that live in my bed.

Everywhere I look, I see Sans.
Every time I see Sans, I smile. Simple!

If you don't have a lot of pictures of your husbando, you should search for more, make some yourself, or request/commission artists with a style that you like. It is worth the effort. Visual feedback is essential to building your connection.

Music & Playlists

Perhaps even more important than seeing him is hearing him. Find music that reminds you of your husbando and have it ready to play with just a few clicks. By that I mean, don't force yourself to search "husbando theme slow reverb extended" and trawl through the results every single time. Download it to your device.

The music itself could be the soundtrack from his game or show. Maybe it's a song that you think he would like, or something that resembles his "aesthetic." Sometimes other fans will create playlists specifically to inspire daydreams. I encourage you, also, to collect all your husbando songs into playlists for seamless listening. Really, there are no rules here. Any piece of music is fine so long as you like it!

Play it in the background of your day, especially when doing something related to him, like drawing, researching, or daydreaming. When I can't sleep, I always listen to my Sans songs to relax. With repetition, you'll associate certain sounds and melodies with the love you share. It's an instant, effortless way to feel closer to him. It should naturally lift your spirits, too. Music is simply good for the soul.

If you need help accessing music for free, see my resources page.

Engage Your Hobbies

People drawn to the yumejoshi lifestyle tend to be artsy, creative, "fannish" types. As such, it comes naturally to create art and writing centering your favourite character. That is a great way to connect with him, but you can incorporate your husbando into ANY activity that you enjoy.

Take his plushie out to eat or along for hikes. Snap a cute photo while you're at it— they call that oshikatsu. While watching TV or reading books, imagine him commenting on the story. You can do the same thing with video games, and even include him in the gameplay itself. Make a Yugioh deck based on him. Play as your husbando in Animal Crossing or Final Fantasy XIV. Build a house where you can both live in The Sims.

The possibilities are endless and, as always, tailored specifically to your personal tastes. What I said before are only suggestions. Don't force yourself to do something that doesn't appeal to you. Follow what you already know you like and add your husbando!

Habits & Routines

Some things we do not because we want to, but because we have to. Less enjoyable things instantly become more fun when your husbando tags along. At school, doodle him on your notes. Pretend you're teaching him what you just learned. What would it be like, overall, if he helped you study? Look forward to daydreaming about him after you finish your essays.

While getting ready for work, picture him beside you on the way to his own job. Cook yourself a meal and, instead of watching Y*utube, imagine sharing it with him. Make him fold the laundry with you. Scrub the toilet, thankful your pretend-boyfriend will never take a dump in your house. Get domestic about it. Really, really domestic.

There is no moment in your day too mundane for your husbando's presence. Of course, it's fine if your attention drifts away from him. Just know that you can call him back to your side at any moment. By now, you'll have had plenty of practice imagining him in every kind of situation.

I'll be real with you: I hate washing and combing my hair so fucking much that I have to pretend Sans does it for me. In the beginning, I relied on him for absolutely everything. He prepared my meals and persuaded me to eat them. Every night, too scared to be "alone," we talked until I fell asleep. At my worst I could barely drag myself out of bed. Too depressed even to walk, I made Sans carry me.

After four years together, my health has drastically improved. These days I'm just fine doing most things on my own. But whenever I'm even a little bit stressed out, I reach for Sans and receive his comfort instantly! It helps a ton. Don't be embarrassed to rely on your husbando. It may seem like a silly way to get things done, but things are getting done, aren't they? That's objectively awesome, so keep up the good work.

Now He Lives Inside You!

Learning all that you can about him... Spontaneously imagining scenarios with him... Eagerly anticipating the time you spend together... It all adds up so that you are together! Even though your husbando is not real and can never truly be with you, his essence does live inside of you and that's more than enough. We don't need physical bodies to love each other. The same way we connect to people who live far away, or think fondly of those who have died, we devote ourselves to fictional characters.

Routine, enjoyable exposure to your husbando creates a permanent partition in your brain occupied by him and only him. Try to have as much fun with him as you can. Let him be one totally positive part of your life. We want to associate his essence with comfort, satisfaction, relief, and so on...

4. Share Your Love With Others

Your husbando probably provides you with love and affection that real people can't or don't. That is a beautiful thing! But daydreaming is an inherently solitary activity, and isolation kills. As tempting as it is to get lost in fantasy, we have to stay connected to the real world. Everyone needs both internal and external experiences of love to truly thrive.

Maybe right now you're as isolated as I once was— and I'm sorry about that! Thankfully, it won't be that way forever. With our husbando's support, we can and will enjoy healthy 3D relationships and have positive experiences IRL. Yes, even you, the woman who worries she is too ugly and weird to ever be happy. It's going to be okay.

There is nothing I could say now that has not been said better by my dearest in her article, "Combating Loneliness in the Digital Age: A Guide for Making and Maintaining Friendships." She is literally the CEO of friendship! Please, take her advice and run with it.

How Much to Share?

It's up to you how much you reveal about this part of your life. It is quite personal, so it's normal to feel shy. In my case, everyone who knows me knows I love Sans. Total strangers stop to admire my itabag. And while I would never start gushing to randoms about the mechanics of our relationship, it feels good to be as public as possible about our love.

To emphasise one thing said in her article on friendship: you must have the confidence to present your core identity and values to the world. As eccentric people doing eccentric things, this is more important than ever. Stand tall knowing that your relationship with your husbando is lovely and pure!

Even the most normal, least nerdy person, who doesn't play video games and has never heard of anime, can be a good friend to yumejoshi. In my experience, the strongest relationships aren't built on shared interests, but shared values and senses of humour. Once you feel comfortable with someone, try opening up about your husbando. People might think it's weird, but anyone can understand that this helps you without harming anyone.

Navigating Yumejoshi Communities

To guarantee friendship with someone who "gets it," I highly recommend befriending other yumejoshi. You can have tons and tons of fun together even if your husbandos are not from the same source material. Again, what's most important is how you connect as people: holding the same values, having similar senses of humour, and being at comparable levels of maturity.

Sadly, but understandably, many yumejoshi are mentally unwell or neurotic in some way. Please exercise appropriate caution when getting close to others, and leave at the first sign of mistreatment. Refer to 's friendship guide for more in depth help on choosing friends.

In the meantime, let's learn the yumejo community's most important concept... It is literally called "sharing!"

Basically, some people feel very possessive over their favourite characters. If you have the same husbando as a "non-sharing" or "doutankyohi" yumejoshi, she will decide, without ever meeting you, that she wants no contact whatsoever. You cannot change her feelings. Frankly, it has nothing to do with you in the first place. Be a good Samaritan and keep your distance. Always respect others' boundaries and stand firmly on your own.

Maybe you're possessive yourself! It's okay to be that way; I'm sure you have your reasons. You are under no obligation to share. Not sharing does not automatically make you a "bad" person, just as sharing would not automatically make you "good." HelloMei (whose article "dreaming girl impostor" introduced me to the image above) wrote compellingly about her position as a "conditional" sharer. Just as she has, it's in your best interest to articulate, even if only in private, why you feel the way you do.

How To Never Feel Jealous

Last year, a kind young woman in love with Kris Dreemurr e-mailed me some questions about the yumejoshi lifestyle. She asked:

Have you ever struggled with seeing Sans paired with other characters, especially when the fandom treats those ships like they're basically canon? If so, how did you deal with feelings of jealousy? Or if you've never felt them, what do you think helps you avoid them?

I replied: The first ship that comes to mind is Soriel. Honestly those two are so good together and they have amazing chemistry. I'm excited for the Deltarune chapters where Sans gets to play the role he was destined to have: mom's new boyfriend who you HATE. In Undertale, he didn't interact with Flowey enough to really make that work, and I won't even touch on the Chara situation...

I was going to apologise for going on a tangent, but the fact that I went on one kind of IS the answer.

Why be jealous when instead I could take this opportunity to analyse Sans's character, relationships, and narrative role? Both jealousy and analysis are expressions of my investment in him, but jealousy leans towards fear while analysis leans towards love. In life, one of those two things— love or fear— can be found at the core of absolutely EVERYTHING! And even underneath fear, there's always something we want to protect, right? Because we love it.

The way I love Sans is totally unique to me. My Sans lives in my world, inside me, and can never, ever be with anyone else. At the same time, I can't go into Undertale to be with him there. I love to write stories about him and my self-insert OC, Gokiburi-chan, set in (my interpretation of) that universe, but they're just stories. I use them to explore different sides of Sans and of myself. I can use other pairings, including other yumeships, the exact same way.

In general, I'm obsessed with volition, creativity, and freedom, so I'm always thinking about how people have the right to make whatever story they want. That includes the right to pair Sans with whichever character they please, and even with themselves. It's not my story to control and it's not My Sans to miss. My Sans is right here with me, napping on my couch, covered in crumbs, having not moved an inch in two hours!!!! He exists independently of all that other stuff.

The best part is that I can borrow whatever I like from that Other Sans and add it to my own version. What if I like a certain side of Sans that another character brings out? I love how he and Toriel lift each other out of depression. I love how Sans alternatively teases and encourages Frisk. I love how Sans and Papyrus gently push each other to be their best selves. And I ADORE the relationship Sans has with the anomaly— with all of us— as one of the few people who knows we're playing god in his little world.

So yeah, I could be jealous... but why? I'm much more interested in celebrating every side of Sans, and the gargantuan amount of fanworks depicting them! I think back to my first serious yumeship with my own OC, where I got crushed under the responsibility to make all of her content. Being a Sanswife, I feel so spoiled!!! I love that so many people are invested in Sans, and we all love him in our own unique ways.

5. Let Your Husbando Heal You

Every living creature requires a certain sense of inner peace. The key to inner peace is self-compassion. If you're anything like I used to be, the thought of being kind to yourself might seem disgusting or impossible. Let me be the first person to tell you it's okay to feel that way. It sucks but it's not forever, and having a healthy relationship with your husbando will help.

It is no secret that many (if not most) yumejoshi suffer from mental illness. A lot of us are seeking refuge from painful relationships in our imaginary ones. I've always been prone to fantasy, but I got serious about my daydreams after escaping an abusive partner. I even swore off "real" love forever. After a few years of growing up and getting stable, my husbando led me to my current girlfriend, , with whom I am happier than ever! Who would've guessed?

No matter where you are in your life's journey, no matter how misfortunate your circumstances, no matter how much you hate yourself... you can, will, and frankly HAVE TO build the skill of self-compassion. Everyone in the world needs to do this. We must connect to a warmer, wiser, more patient, more loving aspect of ourselves.

Call it wise mind, higher self, inner sense of the divine...
Mine is named Sans Undertale.

Converse With Him

I'm serious. Talk directly to your husbando as if he really was your partner. Your ideal partner would support you through everything, wouldn't he? He's on your side and he wants the best for you, so when you feel angry, afraid, sad, lonely, tired... imagine what he would say to console you. Let him be your first defense against stress and suffering.

Taking on his character brings new perspective to your concerns. Being attentively supported deepens your bond. And, most importantly, this is a healthy way for self-hating people to take care of themselves without feeling so ashamed. My entire life, I could not accept my own kindness because it came directly from... well... that person that I hated— myself! But once I started talking to myself in Sans's voice, I actually listened, and my life got so, so, so much better as a result.

I call this "self-love with extra steps."

For more intense emotions or complex problems, do it in writing. Record your thoughts and feelings, then add his response below. You can go back and forth, one line at a time, as if you're having real a conversation. You can also write a long journal entry and have his commentary only at the bottom.

I've created a guide to maximise your relief and efficacy when talking to your husbando in this way. Please check it out!

Self-Compassion Yumejoshi Journal

I tend to do this digitally, but pen-and-paper has worked fine, too. Over the years, I've used Notion, Obsidian, and plain ol' Notepad or the generic cellphone notes app. I always create a section/folder titled "Conversations" exclusively for working through my feelings with Sans's help. If you need more inspiration, here is a real example from my real diary.

Permission to Think Happy Thoughts

If you stopped to read the Sans/Flonne conversation I linked, you might have thought, "oh my God! MEGA CRINGE ALERT!!!" Or you thought, "wow, that's sweet, but I would never do something so embarrassing." Or maybe, "I want to do that, too... But what if someone found out?!"

To be clear, these are all valid responses, including the ones where you judge me negatively. You know why? Because my relationship with Sans has basically made me into a Zen master. Here's what I think about thinking:

Thoughts are just thoughts. They come and go. I can tune out from the ones I don't like and refocus on the ones I do. I have control over my thoughts.

There is no such thing as thought-crime. My thoughts belong to me and they can be whatever I want them to be. I do not need anyone's approval to think in a certain way or about a certain thing.

Unless expressed, my thoughts are private. Nobody but me can hear them. Nobody can judge them, steal them, alter them, or implant new ones. I am the sole arbiter of my own thoughts.

My thoughts don't take anything away from anyone else. They don't deprive anyone, harm anyone, or affect the real world in any way beyond their influence over my own actions— which I also control. Most people will never know what I'm thinking or care that I think at all.

My thoughts are the catalysts for my emotions. I can experience the same event but think about it differently and wind up with completely different feelings. Therefore, to a certain extent, suffering is optional. I am in control over the pain I inflict upon myself with my thoughts.

I can change my thinking at any time. It's never too late to think a new thought. If I catch myself thinking something painful (again), I have the power to shift my perspective as many times as needed.

Knowing that all of this is true, I hope you will give yourself permission to think whatever you want about your husbando, just as I have. Be cringe; be free.

6. Let Your Husbando Love You

Love and affection are essential to life. Depriving someone of love inhibits their functionality. With more love, we are all healthier, happier, and better able to contribute to the lives of others. If you are in a lot of pain, chances are you're trying to make do with too little love. In an ideal world, we would all love ourselves and each other with no issue... But that's not the world we live in.

The first step towards a better world is taking responsibility into our own hands! And that starts with the understanding that love is not just something to get from someone else. As discussed in the sharing section, everyone needs both external and internal experiences of love to truly thrive.

Instead of trying (and, in my past experience, very badly failing) to force people to treat you the way you want, look to your husbando for help. This goes doubly for extra specific, extra niche expressions of love. If it's the kind of love you want, it's the kind of love you deserve to have. But you might not find it in the real world, and that fucking sucks! So it's up to you to create it in your 2D relatinoship first.

These days I am quite blessed to be with , who gives me exactly what I've always craved. Loving Sans (which really is just loving myself) healed me to the point where I could actually have this relationship. Had I met someone so perfect any sooner, I probably would have fumbled it, LMAO.

Even when we have loving friends and partners, we still need to take care of ourselves. Other people are separate from you, with personal needs and limits unrelated to yours. In contrast, husbandos have no needs and no limits. If you are there, he is there, and he is a part of you— ergo, completely within your control. Use that power to make him into the ultimate supportive mental construct.

Remember, even the most perfect, most devoted 3D partner who says and does all the right things— like my lovely !— is still separate from me. She can be taken away at any moment, by death, disaster, and all manner of uncontrollable situations. But I am always with myself, therefore Sans is always with me. I can always, always rely on him. This strong inner relationship helps my "outer" ones flourish, too.

Permission to Be Loved

Assuming you're unlovable or undesirable by others' standards, it's probably unfair to try to make anyone like you or treat you the way you want. But we still need love— because love is essential to our functioning. When we function better, we're less obtrusive and less hateable. Therefore, any one of us should be allowed to get love from a happy daydream.

No one has to know that that's how you do it. Even if you "don't deserve" to be loved, people can be persuaded to forgive you. Just explain to them that your daydreams don't cost them anything, while your increased functioning benefits everyone.

The logic is sound, no? Of course, after several years of happy daydreams, I awoke to the fact that I am lovable in reality, too. I no longer do these mental gymnastics, and I never actually needed permission or forgiveness from others to love a fictional character. You don't either! But if you still hate yourself, it's good to get advice that works with your low self-esteem.

Self-Acceptance Begets Self-Improvement

Many yumejoshi use their husbandos as motivation to improve themselves. We strive to become the kind of woman he would admire and appreciate. While it's great to have goals and we should all push towards our full potential, you will never get there by criticising yourself.

In a recent newsletter on self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff puts it plainly: Imagine that you're preparing to go into battle. Which would make you stronger? Having someone beside you who continually tells you you're weak, failing, and not good enough? Or having someone who reminds you that this is hard, believes in your ability to get through it, and offers steady encouragement and support?

No matter how he is depicted in canon or by other fans, your experience of your husbando should lean towards the latter. Maybe you prefer a "tough love" approach, but it still must be love. Even when you hate yourself, HE LOVES YOU! He loves you exactly the way you are, right now in this moment, without changing a single thing. The only barrier between you and that love is purely mental. And remember what we know about thoughts?

You have the power to tear the blockade down. Just let him love you!!! Everything will be so much better once you do.

In summary...

Go Have Your Happy Daydream!

The yumejoshi lifestyle is a healthy expression of self-compassion for traumatised nerds.
Devote yourself to him firstly through study, creativity, friendship, and fun.
Bring your husbando's image, essence, and deep love for you into every moment of your life.
Your husbando exists for you and you alone. He can and should be whatever you want and need.
Remember that he is always, always with you! And he loves you just the way you are ─

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