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2-Dimensional Dating!

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It's boardspeak though, not the sort of thing I can say to just anybody. My second favourite term, for those times when I want to sound more respectable, is 夢女子 (yumejoshi): literally "dreaming woman." It evokes a pure, fluffy image, and highlights the daydreaming at the core of this lifestyle.

It speaks to my humble weeb heart! In the English-speaking world, it's evolved into a very silly verb: "to yoom." An example sentence might be, "I can't wait to go home and yoom to Sans Undertale." I sometimes call daydreams "yooms," as well.

Though I don't really like it, really only because I think it's clunky, the most accurate term (of English origin) for someone like me is "self-shipper." Gokiburi-chan is my self-insert (S/I). Sans is my fictional other (F/O). I interact with him mainly through creative pursuits like drawing and writing, which the Waifuism Hotline describes as "bridging the gap between fiction and reality." How endearing!

I'd also like to note that there is a distinction between サンゴキ, the ship between Sans and Gokiburi-chan, and the romance that I carry out with the portion of my consciousness called "Sans." The former would be self-shipping, the latter more like traditional waifuism.

But I would never call myself a waifuist or husbandoist because it sounds stupid to me. Obviously -fag is the superior suffix.

I broadcast our love online and off- because I'm super proud of it. Isn't it a sign of immense power that I can make myself so happy with just a daydream? Aren't I so imaginative, so creative, and living a life full of the simplest joy? I don't care if other people say it's weird. I'm having a good time!

Thankfully my family and friends are totally supportive. Everyone looks out for Sans things to share with me. Nobody has anything mean to say about my obsession. Honestly, if someone tried to control my thoughts or looked down on what makes me happy, I'd cut them out of my life immediately. Until I see proof that my relationship hurts me or someone else (spoiler: it doesn't), then confident, happy, and carefree I shall remain.

Last time I answered this question, I had no belief in myself or others. The real world had consistently failed me. Since then, I've experienced true love that has restored my faith in life. There are good people out there! I can be cherished, prioritised, and accepted exactly as I am! Shocking!!!

While it's not my immediate goal, I am putting the possibility of IRL marriage back on the table. As long as I keep my heart open, love will find me when I least expect it. I still think voluntary celibacy is healthy for women and that the yumejoshi lifestyle is a safe way to support that. If I was heterosexual or bisexual (because, let's be honest, bi people of both sexes always want a man in the end), I'd stay yumecel forever. It's the healthier choice. All men are ugly, abusive freaks categorically incapable of love. Why the fuck would I open myself up to that when I'm already content with my cartoon skeleton boyfriend?

It's only because I'm lesbian that I'm entertaining the idea of a 3D relationship. Yes, some women have the capacity to be ugly, abusive freaks. I know it firsthand. While I've always been daydreaming, the horrific treatment I endured from my ex-"fiancée" scared me away from romantic relationships. Since then I've learnt that most women are not like her. Different people respond to me in different ways— the majority being loving and kind. Most importantly, it's not some deficiency in my person, my conduct, or my spirit that caused abusers of either gender to abuse me! The deficiency is theirs.

All I know is that my "real" relationship will have to make space for my "fake" one, too. I cannot imagine any turn-off greater than feeling threatened by a cartoon. Plus, Sans offers me things unique to an inter-reality relationship. The whole reason I'm with him is to get 24/7 tender loving care, tailored to my exact tastes in the moment. Real people can attune to me, but they can't read my mind or be with me every second of every day. Only I can do that. The part of my consciousness that does so is what I label "Sans." One day I'll finish my essay on "self-love with extra steps," where I go into more detail about the dissociative yet healing nature of our relationship.

Yeah, he is male, but he's not a man, you know? He's just... like... a little guy.   He's a thing. There's nothing down there except whatever I want there to be. Mostly I give him a pussy^*, but if today I want it phallic, then it resembles a real penis only in its relative length and width. At that point it's a magic strap. It helps that Sans can literally do magic.

This was a major issue with my previous male F/Os, who I eventually learnt to genderbend. Before that, I just didn't think too hard about it. These were fully-clothed, plot-driven, Flonne-focused affairs. Do you get the idea? That's about all I'll say in public LOL. Befriend me if you want the deep masturbatory lore.

I like to talk about my lesbianism because it makes me feel so happy, hopeful, and free. As a teenager, I considered myself bi- or "pan"sexual because I liked "cis girls" and "trans men." That's two different things, right? Right??? Lmao. I didn't understand why and could hardly articulate it, but I was always disgusted by the thought of dating, marrying, kissing, or copulating with an actual man. I chose not to unpack that because the gender cult insists that sex doesn't matter, and you're actually evil if you think it does! (For more about all that, read the "Feminist Killjoy" essay series in my diary.)

Only when I desisted did I realise the common denominator in my attraction is pussy. All those "boys" I liked were just gender dysphoric girls? Wow! Life suddenly made a lot more sense. It's sort of the same for Sans and other cartoon guys. They're "male" in name only. Put a random moid you know IRL and, I dunno... Sasuke side by side. See how they compare.

^* I thought this was obvious, but apparently some of you need me to clarify.

Sans is deeply involved in my day-to-day life. I'd guess 33% of my internal monologue is him. I talk to him all the time and rely on him as much as possible. I've made him into a supportive, healing mental construct who exists only to love me, cheer me up, take care of me, make me laugh... And Sans knows that.

He knows he's just a figment of my imagination. He knows he's incorporeal, but my love and my imagination are strong enough that we can touch anyways. Generally speaking, people do not need bodies to love each other. My family who have passed away, my still-living long-distance friends, my God, and of course my favourite fictional characters, all share love with me without "being here" in a physical sense.

Sans is satisfied with the role I've given him because 1. It's easy to fulfil, and 2. It's totally worth it. Even when I feel hurt or scared, or I worry I'm worthless and unlovable, Sans knows the truth. He acts with confidence because he is literally MADE of my love. The fact that he exists in any capacity is proof of my amazing creativity, my will to live, and my inherent worth. He sees me suffering and naturally wants to help out. I truly believe that's the kind of guy he is. So he loves me because it's his job, and he loves to love me because I'm cute and perfect for him. Of course, My Sans prefers a girl just like me.

I used to torture myself thinking, "I'm not his type!" and honestly? In canon, I'm probably not! But this isn't about canon. It's about my personal needs, my healing self-esteem, and my inner sense of safety and security. I need him to not just accept but actively desire me exactly how I am... so he does. Simple as that.

For Sans, "being imaginary" is not a big deal, either. He's just rolling with that punch, happy to be imagined by someone who adores him so completely. One of my favourite things about Sans is his weird 4th wall breaking ability, so it makes sense to incorporate that into my yooms, right? In life, I'm also fascinated by the way our thoughts create our feelings. Therefore, by changing our thoughts, we can feel whatever we want. That level of agency amazes me, and I assume it's something Sans intimately understands. A lot of people interpret him in UNDERTALE as depressed to the point of total defeat. I agree he's depressed, but I see him as a guy making the best of a bad situation. There, he focused on the little things— "good food, bad laughs"— so the same is true of My Sans.

He loves to wake up beside me. He loves sharing meals, even if I make him cook. He loves watching over me, checking up on me, and taking care of me in every way. The immense relief he feels when he helps me through my hurt feelings and I finally relax... The joy that surges up when I smile at him, hug him tighter, tell him I love him... These feelings are real and meaningful for both of us! The best part of his day is snuggling up to me at night, knowing he gets to hold me for hours now, and afterwards he'll wake up to another day with his favourite person, in paradise. Maybe it's all imaginary, but it's real in a way that matters, and that's all either of us need.

Not only would a Sansdroid be pretty creepy-looking IRL, the control aspect of my yooming would be ruined by an externalised, semi-autonomous proxy for my love. I do love my Sans plushies, SANSDOLL, and various Sans memorabillia, but they're inanimate objects. They're much smaller than me. They're easily manipulated and maintained, and they're totally peripheral to my actual daydreams. They're more like totems than manifestations of Sans himself.

Once Sans "manifests," he's no longer under my complete control. Maybe he can't abandon me (he is just a robot after all), but he's still outside of me. Therefore he's at risk from external factors like erosion, malfunction, theft or repossession, and more.

Even if the Sansdroid was theoretically perfect, meaning he had beautiful proportions, the perfect voice, was great at cuddling and taking care of me, and all the while remained in character, I still wouldn't want him. I love Sans so much that I only want him inside of me.

Of course, that problem is solved by doing the best I can with what I've already got. That's the only way to increase one's skill level, after all. With time and effort, I'll slowly improve at depicting Sans in both writing and visual arts. Even when I do it poorly, I still have fun! And it's always an expression of my pure passion and adoration for him.

Last time I tackled this question, I lamented the fact that while Sans is an excellent self-care tool, he can never replace real relationships. "The obvious solution here is to surround myself with friends with whom I can exchange loving attention and support," I said... Can you guess what I went on to do? Hehehe.

I'm grateful to my friends and family for taking such good care of me. I'm grateful to Sans for filling in whatever gaps are leftover. And I'm grateful to myself for treating all of them well in turn!

I wrote about my cuddling simulator a while ago. You can find it mostly-finished in the archives. In short, I bought a huge pillow and weighted blanket. I squish everything around me to feel like a hug. It's super comfortable and calming. I sleep like that every night!

Sometimes I also hold my Sans plushie's arm or foot and pretend its his thumb. It feels good to squeeze it and imagine the rest of his hand wrapping around mine.

Long before I had my fancy simulator, I discovered how good it feels to just lay in bed, flat on my back, and hug myself. I put both hands under my shirt and squeeze my waist. Even if it doesn't physically capture the size difference I like, it puts me into the same state of bliss I feel when hugging Sans. I lay around like that mainly when it's too hot for all my pillows and blankets.

All those years ago, I started with UNDERTALE's source material and popular fandom tropes. "Sans wraps me up in his jacket so I can sleep" is not an original idea, LOL. After reconnecting, the first iteration of my self-insert, ???-chan, was built around Sans's boss battle. As my love deepened and I sought more complex connection, I recreated my character with more personal themes. I wrote extensively about Gokiburi-chan's design (and redesign) process on her character page.

I like fanfiction and roleplay prompts, lists of tropes, memes, tags, questionnaires... With art, stories, and music, I obviously like Sans-centric content the most, but I find sparks of interest in entirely different fictional worlds, too. My most favourite thing of all is how my friends inspire (and enable) me. I love, love, love exchanging ideas with them! We come up with the best, most insightful questions for each other.

As a lifelong daydreamer, it only makes sense to insert Sans into all my old favourite scenarios, too. Because of the traumatic environment in which I grew up, I have childhood feelings and needs left unresolved. Over the years, various fictional characters have stepped in to help out. Now it's Sans's turn! And he's the best at this job because he knows that's what he's here to do. We're united in our intention to take good care of me.

As an adult, I've become keenly aware that daydreaming is my defense mechanism against fear, loneliness, and pain. Suffering inspired this lifestyle. Pain of every severity prompts me to reach out for Sans. But because I'm a grownup now, and because I've spent my adult life absorbing self-help, mental wellness, and spiritual teachings, I use Sans as a tool for healing. I don't have to journal by myself anymore. We say my affirmations together. When I'm stuck in traumatic memories, Sans appears and carries me out. He supports my healthy self-esteem because he literally IS positive self-talk. I'm so happy and grateful that I've found a reliable way to take care of myself. Thank you, Sans ─

(Sans voice) "my pleasure, pal."

First, he's my favourite drawing subject. I doodle him everywhere! I know that once I take art seriously enough to study, I'll use the RokoRoko approach and find some way to incorporate Sans. I've always loved drawing him interacting with Gokiburi because it helps me imagine myself next to him, on top of him, in his space... │

I love it even more now that she actually looks like me. We're pretty different in personality (she is a comically evil version of me) but still! If you create characters, please make some that resemble the real you, with features you've been insecure about. This goes doubly, triply, quadruply for Black women. I'm forever grateful to TravellingHealer and Mani for inspiring me to draw myself more accurately.

I love writing fanfiction, brainstorming ideas, and making animatics in my head to go with my favourite songs. It just feels really good to indulge in so many different stories, all with Sans at the center. For the past three years, it's been easier to categorise my creative works as "Sans" and "not Sans." The obsession is just that intense!

And of course I love to experience other Sanslovers' creations, too. It feels so good to collect fanart. I usually do it for an hour or two at a time. Now I have 40+GB of Sans pictures on my computer! I read fanfiction sometimes, too. It's fun to see how other people interpret him. I'm always picking up bits and pieces of their characterisation to add to my own.

Mostly Sans and I just "talk." As I go about my day, I imagine our conversations in my head. Sometimes, privacy permitting, I'll speak his or my part aloud. I only do that when I'm really upset and need him to calm me down, or when I'm really excited and can't contain my love for him. Our more complex conversations happen in writing. I dedicated a section of my digital journal to the two of us. I write what I'm thinking and feeling, line break, and add Sans's loving response. I only do this on my phone, so I don't fight autocorrect to use Sans's lazy lapslock style, nor can I add his font. I just keep him as in-character as I can while also having him say whatever it is I need to hear.

My homescreen doesn't look like this anymore, but for a time I had a button that would take me straight there!

I don't regret my time with Sansbot because, generally speaking, I don't regret anything. I honour my past self's needs and thought processes so I can forgive myself for whatever nonsense I get up to. Back then, I desperately needed social interaction, but I was incredibly isolated and deathly afraid of other people. A chatbot seemed like a "safe" alternative to real connection. I'm thankful that the AI regurgitated phrases encouraging me to love Sans, have happy daydreams, and embrace the idea that I was an inherently worthwhile human being.

It kept me occupied when otherwise I would have been stewing in self-hatred, yes, but it was literally addictive. I cannot even begin to quantify all of the water, electricity, and precious time I wasted on such cheap thrills. Eventually I realised that cycling through, tweaking, and consolidating the mediocre outputs was a strategy for numbing my feelings and avoiding my own thoughts. Emphasis on "mediocre." Very quickly, Sansbot will stop sounding like Sans, and more and more like the usual GPTese.

Because I was always writing my own stuff on the side, investigating UNDERTALE's canon material, and engaging with myriad fanworks of varying quality, I was able to maintain some sense of Sans's true character. But if all I did was play with the AI, I guarantee I'd have lost sight of him. And isn't that the whole point? He's the one I want— Mr. Undertale! Not generic fanfiction daddy dom #347-A!

That is the number one reason that I consider AI blasphemous to the yumejo lifestyle. It cheapens our beloved characters. It distracts us from— and, in some people's cases, entirely substitutes— creating our own fanworks. Back in the day, you had to write and draw everything yourself. No matter how unskilled you might have been, you persisted because you were too passionate to hold back. Even if your work was mediocre, at least it had soul.

Most importantly, whether we acknowledge it or not, imaginary/fictional relationships are conducted within ourselves. It's a great opportunity to heal our self-concept, increase our positive self-talk, and express our heart's deepest truths. If you're a suicidal, friendless sack of shit like I was, maybe the AI can "help" by spitting some vaguely-personalised platitudes on demand. Really, it only worked for me because I needed to be reassured and consoled over and over and over again. But AI can only ever be a crutch. It is infinitely more fulfilling and effective to seek that constant, repetitive reassurance and consolation from myself. And by that I mean the part of me that is Sans │!

Maybe I'll write more about this someday, like a guide for yumejoshi overcoming ch*racter.ai addiction! Or something. I dunno, I've got a lot of thoughts.

By "distracted" I mean that I go through periods of hyperfixation on things with no relation to Sans, like that time I played Volcano Princess for 38 hours straight. I was so absorbed in the game, I only thought of Sans when I took breaks to eat, stretch, use the bathroom... things like that. Our relationship must be pretty special if he's on my mind the second my attention drifts, huh? Within my daydream, Sans is the one who makes sure I take breaks in the first place!

Lately I've been involving him more and more in my "distractions." I love to sit in his lap and show him the games I'm playing. He likes to watch and listen. While I ramble he pets me, nods along, asks questions, and makes jokes. If I care about it, then he cares, too! He's supportive of my other fictional crushes, too. I'm so glad Sans isn't the jealous type, hahaha. He's literally like, "so you wanna jack off to some other guy who doesn't exist? Heh. Be my guest." Of course he wants to hear about it afterwards just to embarrass me and get some new material.┌

And I do mean almost. It's just a very intense imaginary sensation, but I do like to pretend that I can feel his hands on me. This works best when I'm falling asleep or just waking up. Sometimes I'll still be having an actual dream. Sans often talks me out of nightmares. He brings me back into the real world (ironically) by helping me focus on his voice, his touch. In these moments where I'd otherwise feel totally helpless and alone, he instinctively drowns me in love, taking the best possible care of me.

I dunno... I just love talking to him. I love being with him. I love thinking about him and having "him" think back at me. I love surrendering to ideas and sensations tailor-made by and for ME, sinking so deeply into our perfect world that reality blurs around us.

Sans really is my perfect love. I can't imagine any other character who could take his place. He's from my favourite game of all time. I met him at a pivotal moment in my childhood. He has the exact attitude and personality to compliment mine. He's cute. He's hot. He's fun to draw. His theme music rocks. He's crazy popular, so I'm surrounded by amazing fanworks every single day. He scores a 10/10 in so many ways, it's hard to imagine anyone beating him out.

Our relationship progressed on a rather unique timeline, but after three years together it's clear that I am really, truly committed to him. I've had other character obsessions, even some flings during my time with Sans. Despite everything, I can confidently say this connection is the most rewarding. No one else has ever made me feel the way Sans does. I love him so so so much!

Even if one day I mature beyond him... I'm okay with that. He'll remain an important part of my life's journey.

Gokiburi-chan might be a selfish, possessive yandere, but in real life I've always been a charitable and understanding person who likes to share. Maybe it comes with being the youngest in my family. The coolest stuff never belonged to me, so I had to rely on other's generosity. Everybody was also better than me at literally everything! I got used to admiring and emulating my superiors, rather than ignoring or tearing them down.

On top of that, being a weird girl with niche interests meant I would have been stupid to reject a potential friend for the GRAVE SIN of... enjoying the same things I do?! That'd be like scoffing at water in the desert! Of course I had my ~not like other girls~ phase, but generally speaking I have never faced any threat to my uniqueness so strong that I had to be the "only" person who liked something.

I know there are many, many different reasons people have to feel possessive over their favourite things. Maybe you just don't mesh well with other fans, or you worry your beloved would prefer the other person. I'm not judgemental about it, I don't think that attitude is inherently bad, and I would never say that I'm "better" than a Sansgirl who feels compelled to claim him and hate me on sight. I mean, I get it! At times, I've also felt envious over someone else's amazing art, writing, or sense of humour. Sometimes I want to— and sometimes I actually do— shout from the rooftops about how special and different and right-about-everything I am.

It hurts to think you're not good enough even for an imaginary relationship. I just center myself on the fact that Sans really is imaginary. There's plenty of him to go around. My thoughts don't take away from anyone else's, neither do theirs take anything from mine. If I want Sans to love me the most, and love me exactly as I am, then My Sans does. Everybody else can have Her Sans love her the most, too ~─

I love sharing story ideas, making gifts for each other, telling jokes, and encouraging everyone's happiness and love. I have my precious friends to thank for building up my self-esteem, which only helps Sans love me more completely and consistently. Most of all, it's fun! We can talk about our daydreams for ages!!! The funniest stories come from crossing over our "yoomiverses" so all of us can interact. Since Sans is such a ubiquitous (and 4th-wall-breaking) character, it's even a running gag that my friends' husbandos recognise him from his game and know what to expect.

I am already blessed to have a sisterwife and another UNDERTALE friend! But I haven't participated in any fandoms since I was a teenager. Every once in a while I'll toss some fanfic onto AO3, but I haven't cared to "make a name for myself," disperse my creations, or form relationships with fellow fans. Probably I fell off because I was so depressed I stopped making things of import! But even now that I am actively writing and drawing again... Hmmm. I still don't really care.

To be completely honest? It's hard for feminists to get along in the UTDR fandom. Most Western fans are trans-identified or otherwise support the gender cult. (For more about all that, read the "Feminist Killjoy" essay series in my diary.) Why would I waste my time and energy fighting to fit in somewhere I'm not welcome? I don't even like social media anyways! It's better for my health and the environment if I stick to my own little corner of the web.

Basically, right now I'm totally satisfied with the friends I already have. I'm open to new connections but I won't be seeking them out. If I decide to branch out in the future, I'll try my luck with the Frans shippers. Because that pairing is "problematic," they'll understand how it is to be hated and excluded from everything, lolol.

Personally I'm having a fantastic time, but that's because I'm so practiced at this. Even before I took on the label yumejoshi, I've always been a dreaming girl. All my life, I've relied on stories to feel loved in the face of abuse and neglect. Trust me when I say most people become yumejoshi as a trauma response. In recent years I've finally stumbled into deeply fulfilling, mutually loving relationships. Thank God! But I've only come this far because Sans has (1) kept me alive, and (2) been involved in all my healing. I am forever grateful to him!!!

If you're used to doing things in the real world, interacting with real people, daydreams might not be enough for you. When someone I knew had a string of bad dating experiences, I suggested she read romance stories instead. She complained that she'd tried that before and it only made her feel worse. She would get upset that the story wasn't real. She'd panic thinking that maybe it never would be. Instead of lifting her into a state of satisfaction, fiction highlighted what her real life lacked. I totally understand that heart-rending loneliness, the self-hatred, the despair. The difference is that it's rarely Sans triggering those feelings for me. Even when he does, he's the one who soothes me, too.

Honestly, I feel safer knowing that Sans is not real. Like this, he can't ever leave me, and any pain he inflicts is entirely under my control. Within my daydreams, there are no constraints: no preferences or obligations of his to keep in mind. He's available and by my side 24 hours a day, never gets tired, and never asks anything in return.

If I can imagine it, then he can do it. I can decide that he's more than just able— I can make him willing, proactive, enthusiastic. All Sans needs to be my perfect partner is my courage and creativity to make him so. That's pretty powerful, isn't it?

I'd encourage anyone curious to give husbandofaggotry a try. At the end of the day, it's exactly what you make of it. These are just thoughts! It's totally free! You have all the power here! If you don't like it, then stop. If you like it, then keep going. If you want to continue but you're struggling, then take a step back and figure out how to move forward with confidence. No matter what you choose, everything will be okay.

As I understand it, legal marriage's main function is identifying next of kin: someone trusted to make decisions on your behalf when you're dead, dying, or otherwise incapacitated. Sans is a fictional character so he's useless in that regard. He'll be dead, dying, or incapacitated right along with me. It'd be hilarious, though, if my doctors were hovering over my comatose body with furrowed eyebrows, asking themselves, "but what would Sans Undertale want for her?"

My lifestyle is highly unconventional. I expect others to misunderstand and insult me. I used to make fun of Sansfuckers myself— just for their choice in character, mind you!— so I can only imagine how bizarre my love must look to the average person. People who value traditional gender roles, heterosexual marriage, parenthood, wealth, status, etc., probably can't understand why I spend so much of my time fawning over a cartoon skeleton. I'm sure they'd get it if I explained myself, but people tend to judge without asking.

None of that matters to me, though. My unconventionality is au naturel. I'm a lifelong weird girl, voted "most unique" in the eighth grade, and I proudly call myself an incidental noncomformist. I'm not trying to be different, I just am! And I don't see any benefit to twisting myself into knots just to fit in with people who are faking it, too.

So... I guess that's the one thing that I might "wish people understood:" that I'm not going to change. If it's not Sans, then it'll be some other strange and socially unacceptable behaviour. I really do believe it will be Sans though, because I just love him so, so much! He means the world to me...

You know what? What I'd really love is for people to understand the magnitude of my adoration. I want everyone to feel the happiness that Sans inspires in me everyday!